Seems we are at a crossroads here. I know just how far we have been pushed. I am seeing a side of my partner I don’t think I have seen before. She just seems to have completely disengaged from all this. I know it is a defense. I understand how difficult the pressure is. We are living in this constant state of stress. Endless. Day in and day out. I get anxious and frustrated. I am the one that freaks out. We know that. What I don’t know is what my partner does when we finally move past her ability to cope. Honestly it is kind of scary. I have watched over the past couple months. There are times when each of us are doing the opposite of what we should be doing. We both suck at budgeting. Obviously, for me I never had to, and it is a tough skill to learn quickly without screwing up here and there. We spent a lot of years together where it wasn’t a huge issue. Sure we would do something dumb and it would be tight at the end of the month, but the next month came along and some breathing room came with it. These days it always comes with the comment “well we can’t stop living”. Well yeah, but the fucking bills need to get paid. I just don’t know what to do at this point. The stress is clearly shifting the focus, and like today, important matters are overlooked. It goes so far beyond the budget, or lack thereof. I just want to find a way to climb out of this, but I do not want to fight or alienate her in the process. It should not be my place to set the rules. I really don’t want to push her. I seem to be able to give up a lot. Don’t care about eating out ever, or going to the movies, or concerts. That all left a while ago. I used to bury myself in the saltwater fish tanks, and all the corals. It was a brutally expensive habit to feed. But it didn’t matter back then. There wasn’t a reason to give it a second thought. I think back over all those years, and all those dollars and it just makes me twitch. So fucking stupid. But how could I have possibly known the financial rug would be pulled out from under us. I didn’t know. I wish I had thought about it, and stopped spending all that money. It is done. There is no going back. Unfortunately, I think we are both looking into this black hole. Both of us trying to cope in our own ways. I obsess about it. Endlessly. It chases me, every waking minute. I lose it only when I run, or workout. I don’t know how she gets away from it. I know she has an amazing ability to use denial. That is okay, least it is something. It isn’t helping right now. We need to find a way to work together. Each and every day moving forward needs to be planned. There isn’t a place for making like this isn’t happening. There cannot be mistakes like the insurance. It just cannot happen. The thought of further regimenting and accepting the fact that we need to learn to live on the bare minimum. This is what 2013 needs to be. I hate that, it wears you down. It’s not just the stress. It is the endless staring at dollars and cents. Eventually you reach a “fuck it” point, and buy something. In that moment it may bring some relief, but it always ends in worry. That quick on the heels, uh oh. What now. It is so easy to fall headlong into the trap. Looking at bills that there is no hope of paying just speeds up this awful cycle. I guess I’m just struggling to make sense of this life we are living. I don’t know that it is sustainable. It is rough. I understand that colors my outlook. I’m worn out. She’s worn out. Neither one of us is dealing with this all that well. What makes it even worse is we pay bills for these horses. We feed them, clothe them, shoe them. The numbers are staggering. It is incredibly difficult to realize how much we need to give up to make sure they are all fine. I know we agreed to this the day we chose this path. I didn’t know how it would feel to walk this road. I doubt she did either. When is it too much? I’m not sure. I would think when the sacrifice exceeds the rewards it is enough. Are we there? I am not sure. I do know we are both, in our own ways, exhibiting signs of complete burn out. She retains her love and affection for the horses, all of them. I know I cannot say the same. It is a tough realization. Hard to consider, especially since our goal is to love and care for these animals. Where did I lose my way? When did I get so fucking burnt out? I can’t seem to see the line. All the years just run together. No clear line. nada. Playing polo this weekend, I rode one of the club’s horses. Since everything is still in quarantine because of the virus, I can’t bring my horses there. I had never ridden this mare. I knew she was odd, and had some issues. This is the type of horse I usually love to ride. The more complicated the better. It was a mess. I was just done. There was no kindness, no understanding, nothing. I was so far from me. The me I know. There was a hard, uncaring person residing in my boots. Didn’t like her, neither did the horse. I am sorry for that. I’m sorry I have lost my way. I’m not sure I can find my way back. I really don’t know.