In the hysteria today from all my gun loving NY friends I have had some time to think a bit more about it. I think there are some issues that they have not thought about. If others are like me, they would probably not tell their therapist if they felt they might lose their gun. The NYS law will push a lot of people to hold their tongue. Some might avoid treatment altogether. That leaves gun owners afraid of losing their weapon without help. Will that stop the gun violence? No, I think it may well have the opposite effect. It is almost too terrible to consider. I know if I was facing losing my assault rifle by saying anything, I would probably have said nothing. It was hard enough to give her up myself. I could not imagine having the police beat on my door and demand I turn over my weapon. It is all a moot point for me now since I no longer have an assault rifle. It is rough to think about. I don’t think NY is going about this the right way. In the race to be the first since Newtown they are not seeing the forest through the trees. I do not think they put enough thought and research into this bill they passed. I find myself restless and angry about the loss of rights. I still think about my loss, and how little it is understood by those around me. Watching these laws come into play I realize I will never again have an AR, even if I might want one. I promised Virgil and Beatrice I would not have a gun, and I plan to keep that promise. I never said it would be easy. On a day like today it is tough.

If everything goes to shit least I have TM to look forward to. Today was a nice long 12 mile run. It was great to clear my head and settle for a hour or two.

Many of my friends and people who live up here in the country are quite angry about NYS pushing forward to change the gun laws in the wake of Newtown. I have pretty mixed feelings about this. I have already shared my feelings about guns. I stand by them. I do not think a person’s rights should be taken away. They have the right to own an assault rifle if they choose. That is very much in jeopardy here in New York. To drop the magazine size from 10 to 7 is just idiotic. What is the difference? really. NY already has a large capacity magazine ban. I think this push for new laws is just political jockeying. To ban assault rifles completely, just don’t agree. I know most people disagree with me, but a lot agree. I just had to rant about it a little. The only provision I agree with this the part where a therapist that gets a credible threat from a patient, that would involve illegal use of a gun would have to report to a mental health director. The information would be passed on to the state and the gun would be seized. It is dicey because it leaves a lot in the hands of the therapist. What constitutes a credible threat? Not every patient is going to flat-out say ” I’m going to kill my mother and father with the family gun”. I don’t think it would be so cut and dry. How than would the therapist decide when and if the pull the trigger on the stripping of the individual’s rights. That would be tough. Never mind the intrusion of privacy. I don’t know that this provision is going to work. I do however feel that guns should not be in the hands of individuals struggling with mental health issues. There is another difficult rub in this scenario. If the numbers are true, the vast majority of Americans will face a mental health problem in their lifetimes. Maybe something brief, or possible more severe. How do you keep the guns out of the hands of someone who has not displayed any mental health symptoms at the time of gun purchase. It just doesn’t work. I doubt this law will change anything. I just don’t see it working the way the politicians are touting.

In the winding up toward utter hysteria I tend not to think before I speak. Even without the fear and panic, I often lack that all too important edit button. I don’t usually like what ends up on my tongue though I rarely check my words. Unfortunately my partner bares the brunt of the crap. She will often snap at me or go on a rant about why am I beating her up when it isn’t her fault. Sadly this only pisses me off more. I think to myself, why the fuck is she being so sensitive? When I know my words could have taken the paint off the siding. It has been awful in this endless state of panic. She takes a lot of that. Not that she hasn’t had her moments. She has been crabby and difficult since quitting smoking. Least she has a good excuse. Well…guess I have one too. It just feels my excoriating lambasts of her go well past what is okay or decent. so than why can I not check them? Why torment her? Is it that wrong for her emotions and actions not to mirror mine? What good would it do us if we were both to panic? It wouldn’t. Though it just feels so lonely, always does. Why must I always be the one crawling along desperately trying to find another day. One more day. My life lived in tiny blocks, no future, only containing the terror of the life in the present. I am pulled tight against the world, everything around me moving a million miles an hour. Life beyond this gate hurling along. Me, braced against the oncoming disaster, absolutely paralyzed to change it. In this immobile spot I seem powerless to stop my angry assault on the person closest to me. The one trying hardest to keep this world spinning. Without her none of this would be here. I cannot lie and say it is me, no, she has fought for this farm. In the moments when I was completely lost and not functioning she picked up the slack and moved forward with purpose. Never once pausing to panic and wring her hands. She never did that. Least never in my presence. Though I highly doubt she ever did, it isn’t her. No, she doesn’t do panic. In those predawn moments when I crawled soaking wet and frozen into our home making no sense. She stripped my wet clothes off and wrapped me in blankets. Stood in the kitchen making coffee for the police officer writing notes. Not exactly the moment for a coffee, but it is what she did. that is just a small example of her ability to adapt and react. How can I possibly push her away? I can’t think of anyone else who could contend with all I have thrown at her. Alone would not be okay. I think to go this road alone would put that last nail in my coffin. Is that what I want? Is that why I viciously snipe at her? Is alone what I want? It is a question I can’t answer, though I do know I will end up alone if I don’t find a way to check my tongue. She deserves none of what I throw at her. She has stood beside me even when most people would pull up stakes and head for the hills. She hasn’t. I know we love each other. We do. I don’t think we ever counted on it being this difficult. I do not know where this anger toward her is coming from. I guess it may well be anger at the powerlessness of the situation being redirected at her. I have so far exceeded the redline on my anger at this situation, this may well just be the overflow finding the path of least resistance. She is just at the wrong place right now. I just wish I wasn’t so mean. So much like my father it scares me.

well it isn’t all that surprising I guess. Been a rough week. There comes a time when checking out is easier than staying present. It was a strange evening. Polo was okay I guess. I just wasn’t really there. Didn’t play well, as to be expected. I was a bit more connected earlier in the day. Had a good solid run and was happy with that. Why the shift late in the day? I think it may just be I’m tired and am probably still fighting with this virus. Honestly I don’t even much care at this point, disconnected is perfectly fine. Maybe I need a break, even if it is just to some far recess in my mind. ah fuck it, I can’t even put sentences together tonight. On a whole different note, what a beautiful speech from Jodie Foster at the golden globes….

Seems my unwelcome friend from a few weeks ago is trying to make a comeback. I really thought I was over it. Guess I just pushed a bit too fast to get back to running and the stress isn’t helping. I’m just hoping I can fight it off again before it gets going.
I have been struggling with maintaining my mood, but that is probably to be expected given the circumstances. A bit less panic today. I didn’t get to the park for my long run and was thinking it would affect my mood. I had taken a couple of days off after my midweek run due to some nagging foot issues. I really wanted to run more, but I have a feeling I am working on an injury if I don’t back off. This has left me frustrated. So, here I am stressed and anxious with no outlet. I’ll try for a run tomorrow. Even if it is just a short one. I think my sanity is really depending on it. I am just taking it day by day. Hell some times it is moment by moment. I know how important it is to just hold on. There is a tremendous amount going on right now. It is not a time to slide. I have to hold fast to my schedule and keep going. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, none of us do. I know I can’t think too hard about it. Life can only be in the moment, nothing more. Beyond that is unthinkable right now.

47 days, the clock ticking away. Feeling helplessly lost in so many ways. Part of me fighting hard not to panic, the other wishing the days would go faster. It all comes down to not knowing what I want, or hell even what I need right now. To look at this, the actual black and white reality of the situation and find a way not to come apart is so difficult. I cannot seem to find a way to accept it. I have brief glimpses of it, but not a true heartfelt embrace of the coming loss. It feels ridiculous to even write those words. It is not like someone is dying. It is just a farm. Land and some buildings nothing more, nothing less. Why even care? Why react so strongly to a place that has caused such misery for so long? I should be dancing in joy. But that is just another “should”, not of much use to me. The scary thing is I do have moments of wishing it were over. All of this here to be gone. It makes me anxious and uncomfortable just to think about those moments of calm. How can I be so willing to walk away when everyone around me is hanging on for dear life. Doing everything to make this right again. To figure out a way to save this place. How can I silently wish for it not to go on. I feel so awful and guilty in those moments when my mind wanders envisioning a life elsewhere. But those moments are the minority. Most of these days are spent overwhelmed and anxious, fighting to stay present. To just look at the property hurts, physically hurts. The futility of this situation we find ourselves in is crushing. Every step a useless motion under the encroaching foreclosure. Why bother? I battle the temptation to climb back in bed and wish for a different outcome. I look at these horses and think how we started this to keep them safe and give them a life. What life can we give them now? How do we chose who goes, never mind how do we find a place for them? The pain I feel right now, in the knowledge that we are failing is beyond measure. It just gnaws away at me. It is such a stark contrast to the glimmers of hope I see in a future without this place. How do I reconcile that? How do I still my panicked mind long enough to come up with a plan? I don’t even know where to start. Everywhere I turn is another problem without a solution. I am here treading water and fighting to not drop under the weight of all this. There is only so much I can endure. I have been thru so much already. I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know how extreme my reaction would be. I don’t want to feel this. I do not want to go thru this process of sitting here hopeless waiting for a lifeboat. Never knowing if one with show up, or if I am going to drowned here. I look to my partner and struggle to contain my frustration and anger when her reaction doesn’t mirror mine. I cannot find the patience not to snap. Instead of pulling closer in this time of chaos I am driving a wedge between us. There is nothing left but daily arguments and silence. When all I want is someone to hold onto, I have nothing because I have pushed her away. Creating more distance and less affection. I have made a cold hard place here and I don’t even know why. I do not understand my actions. I am just reacting and lashing out. I wish it could be different. Why do I have to be so uncaring and cruel? Is my panic causing me to lose sight of what is important? beyond important, critical to my survival in this eleventh hour. We both cannot get thru this without each other. There has to be a way to close the gap and find the love. Just because I hate everything that is going on does not mean I need to hate her. My anger is not at her, though I am reacting to her calmness. My anger is at all that is unjust and all the reasons we are in this position. It is not her doing. I know that. With no place to level this anger she just gets caught in the line of fire. She is the only one close enough. She takes it. It will destroy this relationship. I know that, yet I can’t seem to stop myself. I use silence as a defense. If I am silent I won’t lash out. But that silence only grows. Steady and insidious, day after day. It is a type of hell we find ourselves in, least that is what it feels like to me. A hell created by things well beyond our control and magnified within the walls of our relationship by my inability to stop tormenting her. I have to stop. I need to find a way to step back from the rage and let her breath.

“Tu dois aimer. Tu dois ressentir. C’est la raison pour laquelle tu es ici sur terre. Tu es ici pour mettre ton coeur en danger” Louise Erdrich

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

It seems like all I do is write the same thing, over and over and over. I’m a bit tired of it. Though I really don’t know what to do except write it. All of it is just sitting there. Today is no different. The foreclosure notice went up on the gate. Zip tied up there with its bold red 24 point letters. For all the world to see. This is the beginning of the end. The notice came that the property would be photographed. In order to auction it they need photos for the ads. What should I think and feel in this very moment? What is the appropriate response? Is there one? I’m not even sure. I went for a run to settle the rising panic pushing at my chest. I ran away from this place and that notice with its big red letters. I ran from all the frustration and anger. 49 days and counting. I ran to find some peace in my head and in my heart. I ran to leave the pain and frustration behind and replace them with physical pain and exhaustion. I did that, but it was all waiting when I returned. The notice and the countdown. The stress and the anxiety curled up here at the door waiting my return. I don’t think we will escape this one. There will be no rescue this time. For all the words spoken and all the big ideas, at the end of the day it is nothing. We are still here holding our breaths trying not to kill each other in our terror over losing this place. We are losing our home. The reality is settling in. There is no love here now, only anxious irritable days. The obvious futility of our daily routine. None of it matters beneath the shadow we are living under. I want to kick and scream and tear something apart. Instead I am silent, doing everything in my power not to panic.

I just don’t know what we are doing. All I do know is it is 49 days away.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
― Anaïs Nin