You are not trapped. God will make a way- Isaiah 43:19

I see about one movie a year in the theater. Usually my dislike of crowds, germs and leaving the property don’t allow me to see many. I made an exception and really pushed my other half to go see The Life of Pi. I thought it should be seen on a large screen to truly appreciate the scope of the project. In a weird twist, my partner actually knows and has worked with the man who edited it. so, off we went. It was a quiet monday evening and it was a good time to get off the property.
I could not have asked for more in a film. It has the stunning visual imagery. The sweeping score, and of course a story brought to life by Ang Lee. The book has sat unread on my shelf, and I had no idea what I was in for. If I had know that animals would be killed I don’t think I would have brought along my partner. I could see her squirming through much of it, but she didn’t walk out. I was impressed. She didn’t even leave to use the restroom. Considering she ingested god only knows how many ounces of soda and has a bladder the size of a walnut, that is a feat. We both sat transfixed as the story transitioned from the zoo in India to the ship. I won’t really say much, as I don’t want to spoil it. I will share my emotional response.
I found myself quickly traveling from amused and amazed to spellbound. The imagery beyond my wildest dreams. I know a lot of people said Life of Pi would never be made into a movie. That it was just too difficult. Considering so much CGI was used, it didn’t get that “yeah right” part of the brain going. It kept the suspension of disbelief going, even when it was very clear the images on the screen were entirely computer generated. It was pretty incredible. I think we are edging closer to a time when real and generated will be hard to distinguish. Animatronics are becoming so much better. Life of Pi really showed the process at its finest. It was easy to lose sight of the fact that Richard Parker (the tiger) was not in fact a real Bengal in the boat with Pi. or that Orange Juice, wasn’t a live orangutan. This helped create a seamless transition from the zoo to the boat. It engaged the viewer emotionally. Completely involved you, and brought about a relationship with these animals. It wasn’t just Pi you loved and cared about. It was these characters, in the form of animals, that allowed us to continue the journey. There would be little depth with just Pi alone. But it would be far too much if there was no breaks in this saga. Using the flashback/ story telling helps break it up into bearable pieces. It adds life to the story, and contrasts well with all the CGI imagery. It grounds the viewer in the here and now. The fantasy pauses and you catch your breath. There are questions. Many questions asked of the viewer in the course of the movie. Many involve g*d and beliefs in religion. The end of the film is left an open book, a page left for the viewer to draw upon their own beliefs. What really happened on that boat? What version of the story is “real”? What is make-believe? I think it will be different for some people. There is no right answer. There is only the journey the film takes us on, while it engages our mind and asks us about faith.
I loved this film. Sure there were some very unpleasant parts, but there were also beautiful touching images, and heart wrenching passages. It touched upon humor, and adolescence. It touched on love and loss. In the two hours you pass briefly through so very many emotions. It, at times has the viewer feeling storm-tossed. Lost at other points. But in the end, it leaves you in the present in awe of all it did in just a few hours. I’d definitely recommend the film.

I have spent months and months living in the shadow of stress. The looming forclosure and the financial disaster has just destroyed our lives. I lived and breathed this life. It was all encompassing. There wasn’t an aspect of my life that wasn’t touched. There were days it hurt to breath buried beneath anxiety. Days I would open my eyes only to wish I hadn’t. Wishing to be anywhere but here. I could not see out from under this heavy blanket. Suddenly I am standing in a very different place. I am not even sure what to feel, or even what to think. I’m caught in this weird state. I’m not sure it is relieved. It doesn’t feel like happiness. It does not feel wonderful. I guess I keep waiting for some other shoe to drop. Waiting for something to go wrong. Something always goes wrong. Never fails. I know that is kind of sad. To wander thru life looking for the worst. That is my norm. I don’t. I cannot seem to just fucking be happy. It took a stiff drink for me to approach anything close to relieved. The past few days have been very strange. There is a vast void where all that stress was. Not that all the stress is gone. It isn’t. I will always find something to worry about. It isn’t all perfect here. We face debt and serious financial issues, but we are not up against foreclosure.
The positive trend continued when my medicaid card arrived this afternoon. I can’t figure out how that happened that fast. The case worker said it would be 45 days and then time to print the card. I asked repeatedly if it could be done faster. An emphatic no. Ok, well how can I possibly be looking at a card a week later. I can’t. But I am beyond relieved. Least I am not worrying about having no coverage, and wondering how I can possibly afford meds. That is a huge weight lifted. I can appreciate that far more than the tax issue being resolved. Don’t ask me why. That’s just how I feel

So, that’s it for this highly boring, poorly written blog entry.

This one could be the soundtrack of my treatment…yeah… I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. Thanks to my batshit mudder partner for the link.

We talked today about my mood and its trends these past few months. I wanted to take a look at the mood charts and try and get a sense of what is going on, but in looking it is hard to get a handle on anything

here’s the year broken down into a paragraph- January and February even mood, right down the middle till mid March, then anger/ irritability first sign of elevating mood. 33 days of elevated mood (it is very hard for me to bring myself to rate my regular plain jane mood higher than a 5, so if I was rating at 6 and above it tells me something though I remember nothing from last winter. A few polo tournaments, but nothing else stands out), more irritability and then a short period of overwhelmed/ stressed. In early may mood started to trend lower. June mood continues lower and steadies into depressed/overwhelmed/ stressed, coming up on 2 months in steady depression when I saw psychopharm consult dr. and started provigil. 6/23/12 started med- mood elevated within couple days stayed up for month, despite increasing stress and pressure from farm. 2 days mood was very off and dark. mood rebounded with increased provigil dose and remained level for week bobbled hard for a day, and leveled again for week before a 30 day slide into dark and suicidal at end of August. another almost 30 days of depression and very dark low mood before Tough Mudder- rode that high for almost a month and into start of polo season, early November mood starts to shift, one week stretch where mood started to slide. but levels again for week before starting steroids for back. elevated mood for two three days and then very low mood for two three days, then epidural. mood very elevated for three days before crashing into suicidal depression/ gun episode. 10 days of extremely disconnected jumbled and disoriented mood state before hospital for 1 week. mood improved after 3- 4 days in hospital and became slightly above baseline at release, but dropped off right away upon return home. lost our old dog, and stress. angry, suicidal and disconnected. 12 days of low mood/ and flu. rebounded to midline last days of 2012. First week of 2013 solid, then mood declined rapidly into dark and disconnected for 10 days. then 12 solid days despite stress and pressure continuing from farm and personal horse being sold to create funds for debt. 23 days of very depressed dark mood just now lifting into a slightly better, closer to the middle mood.

I guess looking at one year of moods is interesting. Not that there is a distinct pattern, but more there is a lack thereof, especially since the steroids. The switch seems to flip faster and harder than it has in the past. When it gets dark it does so in a hurry. It isn’t just a little off mood. It is I want a way out NOW, not in an hour, or a day. It has to be now. This isn’t my normal. Not since I was young and impulsive at 20. It is a scary trend. One that Beatrice and I talked about. What is so terrifying is it doesn’t matter what they say, or that they are there. It is like my brain just makes it all disappear. There is only one option. It is a dark and horrifying place that seems to stretch to the horizon. Never varying, never seeming like a shift might happen. It is oppressive in its infiniteness. Smothering my good sense and any rationality that might still exist up there in my grey matter. So I am left wondering is this the new me? post steroids? a new chapter in my shifting landscape of moods and periods of dismal darkness and wishes of death. I know this sounds strange, but I preferred the way it was. Sure it was months and months of sliding before hitting the depths which fired up the impulses and desires to eradicate myself, but it was understood and I knew what was happening. There was time to hit the panic button. Time to change the meds, and ramp up the number of sessions. There was time to intervene. This is very different. This is not happy at breakfast and seriously contemplating methods over lunch. It is a space of hours, not weeks or months. There is zero margin for error. There is so much of a risk, too much of a chance things will go very wrong. Especially given I just can’t see out. I KNOW these shifts are happening fast, and not lasting long. I KNOW. but I don’t see it when I’m in the midst of it. The blackness if no less deep and starless as the one that dogears a two or three month slide. It is as painful, and as raw. If anything it seems worse somehow. It is a racier, fast more impulsive place. It isn’t “im feeling suicidal”, it is I am suicidal right now. It isn’t I want to die, it is I want to end this life this minute. There is a big difference. I know we often place importance on whether or not there is a plan. I have always put quite a bit of weight in that. It is like a line in the sand. the one that you cross into a riptide current and sure drowning. I’m not even sure I’d stop to think of a plan in this racier, angrier mood state. I think I would act, not think. There is no thinking going on. That is the problem. There isn’t anything but raw, teeming emotion. Swirling ankle deep one minute and neck deep the next. I can’t help but think of a tsunami wave. Those black roiling waters engulfing everything fast as the eye can track it. I want to go back to slow. I want the lazy soft trickle of Zambizi in the midst of a deep drought on the plains of Africa. No need to worry about crossing, or being swept away. That is my fear. I am terrified one of these shifts in mood will carry me away, long before I realize I have stepped into a river far too deep and too fast to survive. As I look into the future I only see this fear. I only sense the dread as the days click off and I wonder when it will shift again. I know it is coming. It is a matter of when and how hard the shift will be.

We conquer-not in any brilliant fashion- we conquer by continuing.
– George Matheson

Okay so seriously, the poor woman isn’t even dead a week and her “confidante” is on Extra. “Oh, I never thought she’d go through with it”. Are you fucking kidding me? Really. What in fucks name is the matter with you. He is busy talking on a national show. He might want to think for a minute, rather than grabbing his minute of fame. It pisses me off to no end. This woman walks out of a hospital into her home, where she had a firearm. Little over one month since her boyfriend took his life with a gun in that house. Less than two weeks since her child was taken from her. Is this really rocket science? no, not really. But with douches like this private investigator who are busy talking on Extra, as her “support network”, there is no surprise here. So very sad. Granted if she wanted to kill herself, she would have regardless of where she was. It would have been a bit harder in a hospital, and def harder without a firearm and an empty house.

When people say, “I didn’t think they would do it”, first thing I think is, well yeah they will. The one time you think twice and come up with a phrase like that as an excuse, is the time they do it. She didn’t have to die this way. Her tragic pleading voicemails to this man, make me want to take a baseball bat to the guy. Instead I stood in my living room hurling epithets at the TV.

Not sure why this hit such a nerve, but it is a little close to home. I guess it is more that he is on TV talking abt this while they play her voice mails. ugh. enough of this. I don’t want to know. My partner seems far more concerned that she shot the dog first. Ah well, we all have those lines we draw in the sand. She is actually a celeb rehab fan, has been all along, so she remembers Mindy from back when she was on the early season of the show with Dr. Drew. I vaguely remember, she had demons well on her heels back then. I can only imagine, but I won’t. It does me no good to even think in that direction. A completed suicide always tugs just a bit, a little nagging bother in the back of the mind. The what if. That why not. It is always that way. so, for now I’ll just do my best to avoid the media barrage and try to think in a more positive direction. That 7:23 mile I ran this afternoon. That was positive, not that my muscles are in agreement. It was nice to see the payoff for all that work and training. I sat in my post run ice bath wondering what I could run the 100 in these days. I have to drag my partner to a track and find out. Doubt it is anywhere near what I used to run, but I am not as young and flexible as I once was. Ah, those were the days.

The only thing remarkable today, aside from the gale force winds, is my anger. Seems it never quite settled after last night. Doesn’t seem to matter what it is. I have no patience or tolerance for anything today. I can feel that uneasy racing just beneath the surface. I know it is there, but it seems there is little I can do to check it. I am doing everything in my power not to react. It isn’t just a mild anger. it is a deep harsh rage. I know my night of disturbing violent dreams didn’t help. My mind seemed to cobble together all sorts of pieces of information into this awful psychic quilt. There was murder, and gore. Death and despair. Nothing was left by the time I woke up. It was not a good night. Guess it is not remarkable that today is not a good day.

Hagan Daz can create quite a mess when hurled across a kitchen. Least I aimed for the sink. It was in that split second when my frustration level exceeded my ability to contain myself. As the evening dragged along, and the silence in the house was deafening, I figured ice cream was very called for. When in doubt, and miserable, sugar is always an option. Enter the freezer. Opening the door I realized that something was definitely amiss. Frosty ice was covering everything. Add one more fucking appliance issue. I am still recovering from the TV, and now I was looking at a serious freezer problem. Never mind I was now out of luck with the ice cream. I can say I lost it. Least I was aiming for the sink. Not at my partner, or at the cabinets or the windows. Even enraged my aim was pretty decent, and rather than plastering vanilla froth everywhere it was now all over the sink. But I wasn’t done with that. I quickly scanned everything within reach. Cast iron skillet with two chicken breasts…nope…steamer bags with potatoes…hmmm. promising. but no, my sizzling temper was evaporating about as fast as the vanilla Hagan daz was draining in the sink. Gone was the rage, in came the deep and total overwhelming sadness. Not that I was acting out, no, that didn’t bother me. It was the totality of the mess we are in. It really wasn’t the freezer melting down. More that likely, it was just one more thing, minor as it may seem, that finally kicked me over that edge. Sure, it is just some fucking ice cream. yeah, I threw it across the room, but it was the closeness of the line. I realized I am running just that close. My mind may be filled with thoughts of suicide. I understand those, and know when they arrive. This felt very different. This felt too close to completely out of control. Far too near to unhinged. It scares me just how out on the edge I am, and I really don’t know what is next. I know I can’t take it. If the freezer is enough to flip that switch in my brain, what happens if something bad happens, or another catastrophe occurs. I have no safety net out here. I have no buffer. nothing. just out here, and realizing just how bad this can get. Needless to say I am so so afraid. In those moments after the ice cream incident, the argument that ensued wasn’t pretty. It was what happens when two people reach the end of their ability to cope. Not pretty, not at all. The worse things get around here the more distant we become. It is as if the fear and anxiety and exhaustion just drives a wedge between us. I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I’m not sure either of us knows how to deal right now. I’m not sure anyone knows what to do in a situation like this. The more I let my mind wander, the more I see we may not get thru this. Not together. I’m not sure we have a future if it is like this. Not a huge stretch, since I don’t see any future for me. As each day goes by I feel a little more distance from myself and this place. I know I am very lost right now.