Shifting Axis

not is the dsm sense, just the actual axis my world is on. These past two days have shifted so much. but most of all my ability to cope. There were a million things wrong, long before this nor’easter came thru. More than enough to make life more than difficult. But what I didn’t see coming was the family chaos, or the possibility that all these years I have been thinking my life was being organized around a document, that may now be all but useless. That I am now faced with fixing a problem I have not much knowledge or ability to correct. But what is so sad and disappointing is my head. I try so fucking hard to stay the course, and work to make things okay. But they never are. I can’t outrun my thoughts and my ingrained instinct to get out. What is the point of all the work, and all the years, if this is me? How fucking pointless. I’m useless. Why when everything gets hard does my fate roll out that welcome mat? Why do the thoughts swirl like magic behind my eyes. Each of them just begging me to take a step closer. Why when everything goes wrong do I instinctively chose to turn away, not stand and fight. All the good here is gone, it doesn’t register. Nothing. Blank. Only the oppressive wrapping of impulses. Honestly, I think it is because I just don’t care. I don’t care enough about myself, or this place, or those that love me. Maybe it is what is wrong with me. I can only see it one way or the other. To feel bathed in love, and caring and cry for all that is right with my people, or to, with just a blink, see nothing at all. Only cold hard calculated options. This is what is wrong with the suicidal mind. There is no grey, just one or the other. Is it just my reaching the outer edge of what I can cope with? Is it me daring to look closer at what is truly easier than this path I am dragging myself along right now. Why does my mind have to do this to me? over and over. It just never goes away. It may slide into the shadows for a while. But it never goes away. I know I am exhausted. That is a given. I know I need to step back and take a breath. All those years of distress tolerance don’t go to waste, not with a mind like this. I guess I am having one of those Why bother moments, and it scares me. I know I’m safe. I’m not there yet, but all the thoughts have come out to play and it is hard not to engage them. If nothing but out of habit. On my trail run in the snow all I could think of was stopping beneath one of those snowy trees and going to sleep. Sure, not your average suicidal thought, but there was something so inviting about pausing to sleep in the midst of the storm, never to wake again. It is these thoughts that pursue me. I don’t ask for them, and often don’t sense them coming till I have to tear my mind away and shift my focus. I guess this is what is wrong with me. I guess I maybe never should have lived thru that last time, and I struggle with my failure. The fact that I think of it as a failure only highlights my flawed and distorted thinking. It doesn’t matter. Even with the knowledge, it doesn’t matter. It changes nothing.

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One thought on “Shifting Axis

  1. that’s your mother talking…that it’s a failure…but you probably already know that.
    fact is you survived…overcame…triumphed even. you will always survive because you always have survived….that’s the pattern i’ve seen in your writing so far ….but you seem to see it as shameful…i see it as strength,
    🙂 that’s how it feels to me anyway

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