Today has been all about moving snow, and avoiding thoughts. I guess I should edit that and say avoiding impulses. It is all about avoiding my mind telling me to get out. As is so often the case, it is persistent and hard to ignore. So I moved mountains of snow. Endless, mindless back and forth. Hours and hours. Over the past two days I have spent more than 14 hours on one tractor or the other. My mind just goes numb. I’m thankful for that, because to sit here in this house only feeds my thoughts.
I guess I have to wonder if this is my true desire? Is all this other stuff just window dressing? Is it putting a pretty, normal, distracting view on something that is far from pretty. This has been with me my whole life. When do we just accept it, and let me go? Why fight it, when it will only be there waiting for the next time. It never fucking leaves me. ever. It begs me to look and pay attention. Like a shiny coin laying on the sidewalk. It just demands that second look. I’m tired of it always being there ready to cause trouble. I know that it isn’t an “it”, and that it is me. Somehow I can stomach it better when I say it. To embrace that darkness and impulsivity as me if difficult. Because to think of my wanting so badly to extinguish all the good just breaks my heart. What ever did I do to bring this terrible bedfellow into my mind. I can’t imagine. There is no getting free.