Wish I could say my mind has settled. It has not. I feel as if someone left the faucet on and every last ounce of energy, motivation, enthusiasm, courage, and willpower has left me. It feels rather hollow and sad sitting with what it left. I don’t even begin to understand how to shift back to where I was. It seems impossible. More than impossible, it seems unattainable. Where did all of my vitality and spark go? How quickly it is extinguished. I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. It is as if someone replaced that tough girl with this spineless creature, so set on finding a way out. How do they both exist in me? Why does one always seem to win.
I don’t even know what I’m going to do. My partner returns tomorrow. Part of me wants nothing more than to walk out that door. I honestly couldn’t tell you if I would come back. My gut tells me it would be a while. But I can’t walk out the door. There is all this work here. Finishing this paperwork to try to get myself some health coverage. All the business stuff that is up in the air, and most of all this property- 17 days away from foreclosure. To walk away would be irresponsible. To even take a break would not be okay. It is just so fucking much. When my mind invites me in to the darkest of thoughts I understand why. There is no grey area here. It is all or nothing. I don’t think that is a distortion either. What is there here now? there is enormous stress, and discontent. There is failure, and there is impending demise. How would anyone, let alone me, want to stay. It is a slow and steady state of torture. sure, it might be happening in beautiful surroundings, but it is torture none the less.
I don’t know if it is just my exhausted mind, but everything seems infinitely complicated right now. All these moving pieces, dependant on one another. Like some extremely difficult puzzle. Just when I think I have it sorted out another piece comes into play, and all my work seems to not make sense anymore. I’m left staring hopelessly at a pile of pieces, no corners or edges to work from. I have to start again, and try to find my way. It leaves me feeling unsettled and that nothing is ever accomplished. I am feeling useless. I try to tackle one thing, and find I must stop because I don’t have the answers I need, or the relevant information. I’m just hopelessly lost amongst so many issues. All beyond critical at this point. I am run ragged and am running out of ways to buy myself more time. another day to figure out another piece of the puzzle. Yet, what happens when you no longer care about the puzzle, or completing the image. It is meaningless to me. To say I could care less is an understatement. But in that moment I realize how much is left, and what I am giving up. To do so is to truly cut off my nose. Somewhere in all this there is something to salvage. How can I possibly be so fucking sure it is worth walking away? I’m not, so my mind creates a different alternative. A life without me. Sad, I know. But it just doesn’t scare me anymore. Maybe it never did. I’m walking a very fine line, and desperately trying to buy more time. Hoping that my mind will shift again. But in this uneasy, awful place that seems like forever.
thebipolarfarmer 