The Freezer

Hagan Daz can create quite a mess when hurled across a kitchen. Least I aimed for the sink. It was in that split second when my frustration level exceeded my ability to contain myself. As the evening dragged along, and the silence in the house was deafening, I figured ice cream was very called for. When in doubt, and miserable, sugar is always an option. Enter the freezer. Opening the door I realized that something was definitely amiss. Frosty ice was covering everything. Add one more fucking appliance issue. I am still recovering from the TV, and now I was looking at a serious freezer problem. Never mind I was now out of luck with the ice cream. I can say I lost it. Least I was aiming for the sink. Not at my partner, or at the cabinets or the windows. Even enraged my aim was pretty decent, and rather than plastering vanilla froth everywhere it was now all over the sink. But I wasn’t done with that. I quickly scanned everything within reach. Cast iron skillet with two chicken breasts…nope…steamer bags with potatoes…hmmm. promising. but no, my sizzling temper was evaporating about as fast as the vanilla Hagan daz was draining in the sink. Gone was the rage, in came the deep and total overwhelming sadness. Not that I was acting out, no, that didn’t bother me. It was the totality of the mess we are in. It really wasn’t the freezer melting down. More that likely, it was just one more thing, minor as it may seem, that finally kicked me over that edge. Sure, it is just some fucking ice cream. yeah, I threw it across the room, but it was the closeness of the line. I realized I am running just that close. My mind may be filled with thoughts of suicide. I understand those, and know when they arrive. This felt very different. This felt too close to completely out of control. Far too near to unhinged. It scares me just how out on the edge I am, and I really don’t know what is next. I know I can’t take it. If the freezer is enough to flip that switch in my brain, what happens if something bad happens, or another catastrophe occurs. I have no safety net out here. I have no buffer. nothing. just out here, and realizing just how bad this can get. Needless to say I am so so afraid. In those moments after the ice cream incident, the argument that ensued wasn’t pretty. It was what happens when two people reach the end of their ability to cope. Not pretty, not at all. The worse things get around here the more distant we become. It is as if the fear and anxiety and exhaustion just drives a wedge between us. I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I’m not sure either of us knows how to deal right now. I’m not sure anyone knows what to do in a situation like this. The more I let my mind wander, the more I see we may not get thru this. Not together. I’m not sure we have a future if it is like this. Not a huge stretch, since I don’t see any future for me. As each day goes by I feel a little more distance from myself and this place. I know I am very lost right now.

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