I have spent months and months living in the shadow of stress. The looming forclosure and the financial disaster has just destroyed our lives. I lived and breathed this life. It was all encompassing. There wasn’t an aspect of my life that wasn’t touched. There were days it hurt to breath buried beneath anxiety. Days I would open my eyes only to wish I hadn’t. Wishing to be anywhere but here. I could not see out from under this heavy blanket. Suddenly I am standing in a very different place. I am not even sure what to feel, or even what to think. I’m caught in this weird state. I’m not sure it is relieved. It doesn’t feel like happiness. It does not feel wonderful. I guess I keep waiting for some other shoe to drop. Waiting for something to go wrong. Something always goes wrong. Never fails. I know that is kind of sad. To wander thru life looking for the worst. That is my norm. I don’t. I cannot seem to just fucking be happy. It took a stiff drink for me to approach anything close to relieved. The past few days have been very strange. There is a vast void where all that stress was. Not that all the stress is gone. It isn’t. I will always find something to worry about. It isn’t all perfect here. We face debt and serious financial issues, but we are not up against foreclosure.
The positive trend continued when my medicaid card arrived this afternoon. I can’t figure out how that happened that fast. The case worker said it would be 45 days and then time to print the card. I asked repeatedly if it could be done faster. An emphatic no. Ok, well how can I possibly be looking at a card a week later. I can’t. But I am beyond relieved. Least I am not worrying about having no coverage, and wondering how I can possibly afford meds. That is a huge weight lifted. I can appreciate that far more than the tax issue being resolved. Don’t ask me why. That’s just how I feel
So, that’s it for this highly boring, poorly written blog entry.