You’re happily cruising along at 30,000ft and wham, out of nowhere a pocket of turbulent air will make a peaceful moment far from. It may chatter your teeth, or drop your stomach to your toes. Often gone as quickly as it arrived. That is how my life is feeling these days. Sailing along in a strange, yet peaceful place, and out of nowhere an emotional reaction far out of synch with the clear sailing. As my partner likes to say “you always have to be stressed about something”. That annoys the shit out of me, since in my mind it infers I create this intentionally. If only. I wish I didn’t have to deal with a nasty “step mom”, I use that term only to quickly explain her relation to me. She is in no way a “mom” of any sort. She is my father’s 3rd wife. She doesn’t like any of us, and has been making life difficult. In the latest email she has given us 4 dates in March to come see him. Any of those days at 10am. We are not to stay there and the meeting will be at the house. I had spent much time looking at flights around the midmonth date originally planned. Now it is this week, or not in March. Funny how she chose the dates we are expecting a nor’easter. wtf. You can’t make this shit up. So I found myself back looking at flights. The complicated myriad of flights, from here to there, when, what time, how many stops, do they get in too early? too late? it is fucking endless. My anxiety bordering on batshit. The thought of leaving the farm makes me anxious. The thought of getting on a plane going to FL for 24hrs and coming back has me running from panic. I don’t know when it got so hard for me to do anything. When did it get like this? Needless to say, I have to go. Couple the panic with the anxiety about money and I had a lovely breakdown this evening while trying to think about all of it. 500+ to fly, hotel (since the bitch said I’m not welcome), and a rental car (I highly doubt she’ll be offering a ride. So in 24hrs time it will cost just shy of 1K for a 24hr trip. I don’t think I’m nuts to be a little upset about the thought of that. My partner thinks it is an excuse, and that I don’t want to go. Yeah, I don’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be stressed about spending $ we don’t have. A thousand dollars in 24hrs. I haven’t spent 1K in 24hrs…maybe ever. I think I have a right to be wound up. Needless to say my meltdown this evening didn’t make me feel any better. I’m still anxious bordering on panicked. I still have to go to FL. and I still have to contend with spending money we don’t have. That nagging voice telling me don’t do it. That we will need that money. That we have bills to pay, and too many unknowns on the horizon, including a sick horse.
Does it even get easier? Can it even just be a nice trip, no turbulence? Seems it doesn’t matter what I do, my life is a fucking mess. We had finally caught a breather with the taxes, got some bills paid, and now we have a sick horse. All I can think of is dollar signs every time I see the vet pull in. My mind starts calculating, and I start worrying. I know I tend to worry, often when I don’t need to. My partner has a point. I do worry. I hate thinking of myself like that. I envision some batshit lady wringing her hands and fretting about nothing and everything. Is that me? I just don’t know. I should fly to fl and find some beach to sort my mind out. Find my way, look for my truth. I fantasize about it, but the financial reality of it kills that dream before it sets sail. To be here, neck-deep, day in and day out, leaves me unable to see. I have lost perspective, and focus. I need to find it again, but my chain keeps me here. Bound completely, and endlessly to here. It has a way of killing a little bit of my soul at a time. There is no freedom, no spontaneity, no spark. There is only $, responsibility and stress. This is life.