I am still marveling at the way the system actually worked. I called each of the drug companies today to be taken off their assistance programs. Each had approved me. Their assistance programs had stepped up to fill the void of no health coverage and dependance on medications. It took filling out some paperwork, and for Virgil to fill some out as well. It worked. There was no endless hours of sitting on hold, or wondering what was going on. The programs each did what they were designed to do- help. I’m still in awe of how fast medicaid came thru as well. I’m not used to things working out. I’m used to issues, and hassles and let downs. Every time. I’ve grown hard and cynical. I expect the worst. Always anxious, always doubting. Now, in the most stressful point in my life, I got a break. I can’t even tell you how badly I needed one. I can say now I don’t always get fucked. I wish I could say it changed my outlook, but it has not. If there is a way to get screwed it’ll happen. If something can go wrong it will. Nothing ever is as it seems. Ever.
You’re probably wondering how I ended up so dark. It isn’t a long journey, though it is a tough one. There is a security we get growing up within a safe and healthy environment. I lost that. I learned to question when people said “It’ll be okay”. What was okay? There was loss, and fear, and abandonment. There wasn’t anything status quo. It just was not. I learned early on to doubt everything. Not take it at face value. I found a way to just keep on going. Make the outside look fine. Build a strong and seamless facade. It never held up, no matter how I built it. My partner often snaps at me when I am worrying about something, or am having an anxious day. Sometimes in jest, but often with this air of frustration and failure to understand. It irritates me to no end. So I’m fucking anxious. Last time I looked things were not all that great around here. I can be worried and stressed. Fuck it. I can be stressed and worried whenever I damn well chose. It is mine to own. I don’t think I started out an anxious child. I do not think insecurity was my default. I was quiet. But a worrier, I was not. I have a very strong confident side, that rarely shows itself, but none the less it there. I don’t think that coexists with a worrying, hand wringing anxious personality. Not that one cannot be both, but I don’t think to such an extreme. I tend not to be a follower, though most people I have met along my path that are worriers tend to be followers. I may be wrong, it is just my experience. I do really think I would not have ended up where I am had life taken a different course. I think that strong willed, stubborn leader would have been me. All the time, not in fits and starts, and sporadic dribbles that tease. I want that person, not the one I have become. To not be cowed into submission by a racing anxiety that grow more powerful with time. When did this become what my life was about? I am sick of the restless, nauseous feeling that nags at me. The questioning of my ability. I wander out on the edge, running faster, playing harder. Challenging the endless doubts that swirl in my mind. To me it has to be more, better, or it isn’t good enough. I find ways to doubt it. That game I played wasn’t about the great moments, it was about the play I missed, or the shot I failed to make. Anger pushes at me and I try harder. The intensity ratchets up a notch. Most would say I am intense. That is fine. I am not competing with them. I am competing with myself and the extreme benchmark I set to prove worthiness. To be okay isn’t good enough. To make a hard play is not enough. It is not good enough. To get beat means I am not strong enough, fast enough, or skilled enough. It is a dog eat dog world up there in my brain. The anxiety drives it. The insecurity prolongs it. There is no solid middle. I exist in this vicious proving ground. Always finding ways to sell myself short, and come up empty inside. I didn’t start life like this. I was made.
But can it be undone? Can the confidence come back? Can I step away from the endless loop of worry, doubt and insecurity? Why does it grow stronger?
I cannot explain. This has been another rambling, strange post. My mind is still disconnected and scrambled. apologies for the ramble.