Anxiety

The pattern of unchecked anxiety remains unchanged, if anything worse. Much of it is driven by trying to sort out and master a completely new skill. I am not an accountant, or a book-keeper. it is probably my weakest skill, if you can even call it a skill. Back when I was younger putting more than two or three numbers in a row and my mind would just wander. It was a fight, still it. Back then I thought I was stupid, now I just know it isn’t easy. Needless to say I have not had the easiest of weeks. Add to that some issues that I can’t even get into and it is just me anxious as hell. All the time. Well, not when I running. That is just an exercise in futility these days. 3 weeks ago I was killing it. Hills were at my mercy, long runs sublime. I was thrilled, beyond excited. That didn’t last. The past three weeks have been brutal, to greater or lesser degrees. I have had a couple good short tempo runs, but the rest just impossible. What was easy is difficult. Very difficult. that tough bitch that hammered out hills would rather avoid them. Just dead with no energy. The long runs are epic. I battle for each mile. It is miserable. You would think I’d quit, or back off. Nope. I have a head like concrete. I keep on hammering. Working away, but hating it. Every minute of it. Not the running, but the struggle. The difficulty with roads, and paths that flew beneath my feet just weeks before. I can only assume I am over trained at this point, and my body is just worn down. I need to cut back, hard. I know that. But I am driven to keep right on going. I am so worried to lose the fitness I have gained, and that it will be difficult again. Than again, it sucks right now, what will a week or two be. I am stressed and anxious, so I run. But my body is running low here and as Virgil said, I won’t have it to go to when my head needs it if I don’t back off. The plan is to taper. Give my body a rest. I’m closing in on 500 miles since November. think it deserves a break. My head on the other hand, it really needs a break. Anxiety has a way of wearing you thin, bit by bit, day by day, till you are brittle. So it isn’t just my body, it is everything.

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