The day after

I often have these moments, after the blog is written, or the session is over, the repercussions chattering hard like a ski edge in my head. The thoughts are all there. It has all culminated in my finding my voice. Often not spoken, almost always here in print. Yesterday’s post has been there on my mind all day. Through my 9 mile run, and a hike in the park. Insistent and demanding my attention as I fought through more book work. I know, just based on that, there is an importance to that blog entry. So I went back, and read it again. I do not make a habit of rereading posts, in fact, it is rare. After the new year I did go back and read the entire blog, but on a day-to-day I do not read them again. I have said what I needed to say. There are a few that stick out, and yesterday was one of those.

I understand more about myself now than I ever did. I am very much at a cross roads in my life. Finally shaking free of the adolescent I remained for so very long. There are still days I very much feel like a kid. Quite scary considering I’m closing on 40. Most of my peers have kids, families, jobs. I feel like somehow I lost some years there. We have a horse we raised from a few days old. He was quite sick as a youngster, and was pretty weedy and slow to mature. When asked his age I often think I should subtract a few years. I feel a bit like that. My life paused around 20, and seems to be hitting its stride again. Not that those years were not important, and not that I didn’t accomplish anything. I did. It just feels different somehow. There is a mastery and control, in my sane moments, that I never had before. I was always being pushed on the currents of a life I was not steering. I may not be happy in my life these days, but it is my decision. I can stay, or go. It is my life. It feels like it is mine. All the mood instability aside, I am talking about the moments like today. On the heels of sharing my innermost thoughts, after holding a magnifying glass to the details that hold me back. I don’t know that I have ever been in a place to do that. Not sure I ever cared enough to want to change, or even thought it was possible. I am not saying it is, because it seems a monumental task. But I do know, in my heart, it will make me whole. It will bring me closer to a place of peace and acceptance. I have so many demons, and so many unexpressed emotions. My history exists upon my lips, but the dubbing is wrong, and the emotions never sync to what I am saying. That disconnect leaves me unsettled, and unable to find my truth. The thought of connecting what tears me apart inside with what has been done to me scares me beyond measure. I remain unable to connect it, even with Virgil and Beatrice whom I trust. The issue of trust does not lie with them, but with myself. I do not trust I can handle what lies there beneath the surface. The intensity of what shuts me down cannot even be described. I want to come to terms with it, and be able to live my life without living in fear of my emotions. I want to find a way to deal with them and not lose myself in the process. I want to grow up beyond where I am now. I can be so much more. I know that.

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