The 4th is all about celebrating independence. Most usually think about our country and democracy. Being free and having all the rights that we enjoy. It should be about all of that. This came across my Facebook and my immediate response was nope, not me. If anything the opposite is true. I live my life waiting for the next shoe to drop, the sky to fall. It is not really a great way to live. The conviction of imminent demise has grown over the years. With each episode and each hospital visit, or crisis averted I think to myself one of these will not be ok. One of these will be the end. There is no independence in this loop, only an endless deep gnawing dread. I’d like to spend this 4th celebrating freedom, yet today is like every other day. I long for the easy blissful start when the world was possible and I had all the time I could imagine.
I know, it isn’t a happy post. It is a realistic one. To step back and just look at statistical probabilities only confirms the dread in my mind. I know it isn’t all about numbers and people don’t always follow the statistics. There are always the ones that buck the trend. Honestly, I’m not even sure if that is what I want. With each loop back and the regroup and fight to find the middle it wears on me. It is far too easy to say “I don’t want to do this again”. Somehow, each time I find a way to come back. To find my way to a place where I can look over my shoulder in dread. I guess that is a good thing. If I have to look back it means I’m not always neck deep in shit. It means I am a ways from where I was.
I’d like to celebrate independence, though I don’t ever truly feel detached from this existence. I’ll have to go with the old adage- fake it till you make it- and pretend for now.
Happy 4th Everyone!