Choosing a path

When I think about therapy and my journey, I often have chosen the pull up stakes and run when everything finally settles. The better my head the more common it is. I find I want nothing to do with spending time in my head. It is because I spend so much time in my head. All the weeks, months and years spend wading through shit while trying to keep my head above water. It makes it hard to want to take to the sea when there is not a need to wade or even paddle. But I am understanding the importance of the work. I think I am truly understanding the importance of getting into some of the more difficult work while I am in a place of relative safety and security. I am fit and able to cope where I am right now. The value of that is immeasurable when it comes to wandering some of the darker sections of my past. As I sat with Beatrice I caught a glimpse of where we were going. My knee jerk reaction is, nope, not doing it. But for once I felt a more mature measured response in my mind. A what if. What if I did finally get through some of this. How much better off I will be in the long run. I made a decision in that moment that I would stay put and commit. Not take the time off and say all is well. I am looking forward to a new course even if it will be hard. I have to find a little faith in my health and strength right now. I can. I just need to keep that clearly in mind.

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