ok so seriously it is freakin hot. This past week has been the second week of a new training cycle and I am hating ever minute of it. Clearly I’m a winter runner. The colder the better. This weather is just awful. Since I’m not a morning person I have been running at dusk. Temp last night at 10 was in the mid 80s. so much for cooling off. I’m thinking to hell with the running for a bit. I did an easy 4 miles midweek and lost 4lbs. That is more than 3% dehydrated, and I was drinking water. They say some runners do better slightly dehydrated, um. no. Least not me. Needless to say it is 17 weeks out from the marathon up here. either I have to commit and get the mileage, or I have to change course. The thought of logging all those miles in the gym doesn’t sound all that appealing. thinking I need to borrow a bike and cross train a bit. That’ll give my legs a rest from the asphalt pounding, and maybe won’t be quite a nasty since I’ll be moving a bit faster.
Well enough about running, or not. the mood has leveled out and though it isn’t nearly as good as it was, it isn’t worse. I’ll take that. It is hard not to be crabby and nasty when you are so damn hot and sweaty. Least the mood didn’t tank. Back to the fence fixing and painting. The never ending project.
The 4th is all about celebrating independence. Most usually think about our country and democracy. Being free and having all the rights that we enjoy. It should be about all of that. This came across my Facebook and my immediate response was nope, not me. If anything the opposite is true. I live my life waiting for the next shoe to drop, the sky to fall. It is not really a great way to live. The conviction of imminent demise has grown over the years. With each episode and each hospital visit, or crisis averted I think to myself one of these will not be ok. One of these will be the end. There is no independence in this loop, only an endless deep gnawing dread. I’d like to spend this 4th celebrating freedom, yet today is like every other day. I long for the easy blissful start when the world was possible and I had all the time I could imagine.
I know, it isn’t a happy post. It is a realistic one. To step back and just look at statistical probabilities only confirms the dread in my mind. I know it isn’t all about numbers and people don’t always follow the statistics. There are always the ones that buck the trend. Honestly, I’m not even sure if that is what I want. With each loop back and the regroup and fight to find the middle it wears on me. It is far too easy to say “I don’t want to do this again”. Somehow, each time I find a way to come back. To find my way to a place where I can look over my shoulder in dread. I guess that is a good thing. If I have to look back it means I’m not always neck deep in shit. It means I am a ways from where I was.
I’d like to celebrate independence, though I don’t ever truly feel detached from this existence. I’ll have to go with the old adage- fake it till you make it- and pretend for now.
Happy 4th Everyone!