Back at it

It was nice to climb back, very much connected. I wasn’t sure how the session would be. I usually find it difficult to reconnect after a break. I settled in across from Beatrice and it was as if we turned the clock back two+ weeks. As I spoke of days gone by, long gone by I was struck by how comfortably uncomfortable sessions have become. I’m fine with that. Rather than hide, I hold on and ride out the roughness. I accept the fact that it is going to hurt. It is okay to hurt. I have spent my life running from pain. A lifetime of it. I didn’t want to revisit it, nor dwell amongst it. I truly understand now this is where I need to be. Just as I understand to run faster I have to break myself down and rebuild stronger than before. It is the path to getting better. I do not know how I have found peace on her couch. How I finally GOT IT. This has been years in the making. I know it was not a place I could get to quickly. It wasn’t ever going to be an overnight rash process. Though its arrival seems somehow miraculous. It was the illusive prize. Sometimes attainable, but often just out of reach. So many sessions frustrating beyond words. Frozen unspeaking despite every ounce of me desperately wanting to unburden my heart and soul. No matter how bad I wanted it, it was just not possible. I would not, could not tolerate the pain. Have I become stronger? braver? Do I have a thicker skin? no, I actually don’t think I have changed in that way. It isn’t about tougher, it is about softening. Harder is what I was for so very long. The walls built as fast as I could think of them. It was all edges, and road blocks. Bricks and mortar built of years of suffering. I understand the path to not suffering is through the same mine field I carefully lay. But if there is one thing I understand it is pain. What I didn’t know was my ability to absorb this pain. It is not like before. I see now I can sit with it and walk away after 50 minutes. To leave it at the door. Yes, I feel the pain. I feel every inch of our work that session. But it is not now. It all still sits in the past. It does not need to cripple me in the present. I see the path. We have all worked so hard to get me here. I have finally found my way. It truly feels amazing. Though I know it isn’t that easy. There will be days when my old self, so set in its defenses will be far too strong. There will be days when I just don’t have the strength to let myself accept the work. It won’t be all clear sailing from here. But at least I know I can help tack the vessel while we sail the windswept sea of my past.

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