I was hoping polo night would take the edge off and make me feel a little better. It could not have been farther from if I tried. I wasn’t going to go tonight. I was feeling pretty tired and worn down. Since the grey horse Ted has a sale pending I wouldn’t be bringing him. My other pony has Lyme and hasn’t been feeling great. They all saw the chiropractor/ acupuncturist this past week and it was supposed to be a light night anyhow. Wish I had stayed home. Instead I brought Boo and figured two chukkars would have to do. We have a wide range of player skill at the club. Most nights it is very mixed. The first few chukkars of the evening are always the beginners and kids. Why he put me in one of those chukkars on Boo is beyond my comprehension. I said something and he told me he’d switch. That didn’t happen. I spent the first, of my two chukkars walking around and trying to control my mare. She hates slow polo. In fact it gets progressively worse unless she can gallop a bit. I kept her away from the kids and hoped she’d settle. After a very long wait we went back for our second chukkar. I knew it wasn’t our night when we ended up with much the same group. After the second foul called in as many seconds I watched Boo just come undone. I thought it was actually quite apropos. I was sitting on a powder keg. Literally. She was done and to be honest so was I. I haven’t been that frustrated and pissed off in a long while. Rather than fight with my mare I cantered clear out of the arena, out the door and left. Honestly if I could have ridden her clear onto the trailer and left I might have. I don’t think I have excused myself. Ever. But it was very clear to me that she would have run someone over that didn’t know any better. It was no longer worth the risk to either she or I, never mind the group I was playing with. Still I feel bad for losing my temper a bit and letting myself get far too wound up given the situation. I guess I just really wanted to blow off some steam and get my fix. When that evaporated I was upset. I drove home perplexed by the degree to which I was upset. This really wasn’t the end of the world. really it wasn’t. My other half tried to reason with me. Nope. Not happening. so here I am trying to wind down and let go of the abysmal evening. I don’t know that I really understand why this week has been this way. I don’t know what is torturing my while I try to sleep. What could be so bad? What is driving this restless agitated state that keeps me tossing and turning for hours on end. It is the tough thing about the seroquel you can really end up in this state somewhere between sleep and wakefulness. Instead of just getting up or trying to figure out what is going on I get trapped in that spot. I can’t seem get myself awake enough to get out of bed, but I’m not asleep either. I’m well aware that I am not asleep. Awake enough to think this isn’t good, I should be sleeping. Hopefully shifting the meds a bit tonight will help.
If anything tonight illustrates just how tenuous our control over our emotions is in the absence of sleep. That self-control I usually have vanished before I even knew it had. I just need to get caught up and get this back in order. Sleep is so critical to me. All of us really.