Who was that?

I’m not all that happy with myself tonight. For the second time in as many weeks I really lost my temper. If you can call it that. Whatever might stand in my way when it comes to melting down was nowhere to be found. I’m not really like that. If anything I am all too composed. At times completely devoid of emotion. So much for that. Today was an exercise in futility. I wasn’t playing all that well, nor were any of my team mates. My horses were wound up and not remotely behaved. I had my hands full. I was sore and tired from the previous game. It all just combined into a perfect storm. Needless to say I yelled at one of my team members. He’s the weakest link, always is. Everyone expresses the same frustration with him. Unfortunately I did it at the top of my lungs in front of an audience. In fact, I think the next county heard me. I think it was something along the lines of “Ride your FUCKING horse already. For Fuck’s Sake. hmmm Not my finest moment. Not at all. I felt bad, but was too fucking frustrated. I should not have to run over my own player to get to a play. Needless to say it was a rough day. My horses were unhinged, they just are not used to playing back to back with that intensity. Think it is a little PTSD from their old days playing fast and hard under unyielding players. It just lights them up, and they get hard to control. Especially the little chestnut. His anxiety level was unreal. There is nothing that can be done in that moment to ratchet it down. Everything is moving fast and all the players are going hard. They are very perceptive, especially when it comes to energy and the vibe. They know. I felt bad for them today. I really did. I don’t like playing them back to back. I worry about them. When we are all going hard like that you need to lose the concern. You pause and you’ll get run over. You just have to go. Today I eclipsed that in my absolutely blitzed frustrated state. It is the first time, least that I can remember where I just said fuck it. I didn’t care anymore. There was no caution registering in my brain. I was running in a very dangerous red zone. Thus the outburst. I was so far from myself. Sure, I like to compete. I take it seriously. I will always be one of those people who likes to win. I go hard. Very hard, but I never disconnect like I did today. It leaves me somewhat shaken and worried. I don’t like who I was today. In fact I hate it. I wish I could rewind and find some composure. I did the right thing and apologized, but it still hurts. I don’t want to be seen as the hot head, nasty one. They already think I’m nuts and that my horses are all crazy. I can accept that. But I can’t accept being seen as a mean person. That is not me. Complicated, serious, complex, yes. Mean spirited. No.

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