Depression Descending

don’t have much to say today. watching my world recede day by day. Often standing still and just trying to come to terms with the reality of it. I wish I could dig in my heels and find a way to make it stop, but it isn’t that easy now is it. This is not some superficial buff out the swirls kind of change. It is deep, far deeper than I even imagine. It does not just change my mood. It changes the colors I see and the sounds I hear. It makes everything distant as if I am at the bottom of a well looking out. There is an overwhelming apathy. Not just to run or ride, but to shift my eyes from one thing to another, or to take a step. It all just feels impossible, yet I have moments when I tear myself free and feel my normal self. I ran yesterday. Long and far. I felt I could go forever. Only the fast diminishing light brought me home. I don’t know if I was running from all I was feeling (or not feeling), or if I just needed to get lost in my breath and the sound of my feet on the pavement. I needed that run more than I could even imagine. I ran till it hurt and found my way home. I had not set out to run that far and had a pair of slipper like racing flats on. I probably should have turned around. Instead I continued on in the setting sun. It was crisp and quiet. I chose out-of-the-way roads that see little traffic. I really did need that time. I was trying hard to process all that is happening. I understand this route. I’ve traveled it many times before. I hate every inch of it yet embrace it like a favorite sweater. It is familiar. When it comes back around I don’t have to look over my shoulder in dread and fear. It is here. I don’t have to worry now, least not about when it will come back. Now I have a whole new set of worries. How long will it last? How deep and dark will it be? Can I get through this one? those were all swirling in my head as I headed out to run. For an hour and a half I left them behind at the farm. They were here waiting when I returned spent and sore. The exhaustion came in like a freight train and has been here ever since. I somehow made it through today though I’m not really sure how. It was like watching myself from afar just going through the motions of a routine day. I wanted nothing more than to lay down and sleep. Instead I did what I had to do to get through today. Tomorrow will be much the same. I can’t help but dread it.

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