I’m pretty much at a loss for words. I am crashing and burning here. To say I am fearful and worried at this point would be an understatement. I want nothing more than to just disappear. If I can’t disappear than I want to sit really still and try to let myself believe this descent isn’t this fast and this deep. Just a few weeks ago my life was consumed with running a faster mile. Like that remotely matters at this point. I could careless if I even put my sneakers on, let alone run anywhere. Where did it all go so wrong, so fast.
I can’t do it again. I cannot. But I can’t stop this. To step away and take a break is just not even possible. Where would I even go. My life is here. my life is this work, this farm. The priority is feeding and caring for these animals, not me. It isn’t about me. It is all about making sure this place keeps running at all cost. I guess that cost includes me. Sad really.
The saddest of all is the rift between my partner and I. It seems the worse things get the farther apart we get. I want nothing more than to talk, but that doesn’t happen. Instead it is awkward and distant. So I pull back into my head and the deafening silence of this black place I find myself in. clearly my attempt at writing tonight isn’t going all that well. guess I’ll try again tomorrow.


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