The slide continues. Today had a late start thanks to a somewhat sleepless night. I wasn’t expecting a good day. That would be much too much to ask. Instead I hoped for another day of the same. In the instant my eyes opened I knew it was worse. In my typical approach I went back to sleep. There is always that hope I can get a redo and it might turn out differently. I held out hope it was all just the withdrawal off the meloxicam that was causing such darkness. By yesterday morning I would have killed someone for a dose. It was an unbelievably dumb move, especially coming from me. I respect medication and its ability to generate all sorts of physical side effects. I guess I never really thought much of the Meloxicam. It was just another NSAID, like celebrex, advil and the like. It was made to decrease inflammation in the body. For me it has done a splendid job. Coupled with the epidural injection it has made the chronic lower back pain manageable. I do have bad days, but they are far less and I can usually work around it. I still can’t bend over for any period of time and stand up. I just know to avoid that, or take my time rising. Same goes for sitting for long periods, like at my desk. If I stand up to swiftly the pain will take my breath away and hunch me over. I just work around it. I accept it as part of my life. This is all thanks to the daily meloxicam. Unfortunately the doctor I see think I should wean off it, or see a pain management specialist. I made the appointment but never went. As the script came due for rewriting I didn’t want to deal with the nasty GP and her office staff, so I just figured I’d try life without it. You’d have thought I would have gone to every other day or half doses. Nope. I just went along till I had no more of my little yellow oval saviors. The first day without wasn’t too bad. The second day dawned with some shoulder pain that I chalked up to a pulled muscle. Now I should have realized and tied the two together but I was so deep in my depression my brain never even registered it. It continued to worsen in day 3. Add in chills and muscle pain. joint pain. just an overall sense of ick. I was in a fog and trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I chalked it up to some bug I probably caught. You know those damn shopping carts. I still can’t believe I get myself to touch them. I have to remember to bring latex gloves. Ah, but back to the crappy malaise. On the 4th day I awoke still feeling terrible but none of the typical cold/flu symptoms were arriving. I was really wondering what the fuck was going on. I couldn’t lift my arms over my head without much pain and effort. hmmm. Suddenly it all clicked in my brain. Meloxicam. I called the GP and spoke to my favorite nasty office person. Well off course you can’t just go off it cold turkey. yeah, um. I figured that out thanks. now can you call in a script? ?She was her usual self and made me beg a bit. You’d have fucking thought I was asking for Oxy, or Percocet. Seriously??? I counted the minutes and hours till they called it in. Nothing. I called her back. I was made aware that nothing would be done till the end of the day when the dr finished her hours and then she would decide if she could call it in. I was SUPPOSED to go see a pain specialist. ugh. OK, so I spent my time waiting finding a pain dr that took my insurance (lack thereof) and took new patients and who had an opening before the end of january. really?? Who knew it could be that fucking hard. I was twitchy and shaky from the meloxicam loss and now I was frustrated and upset with this search. Finally I found someone an hour away that could fit me in. But I have very little time to assemble radiology reports from the MRI and x-rays. and the reports from ortho and the pain mgmt dr that did the first epidural. Course he doesn’t take my insurance so I can’t return to him. I am so frustrated. and tired. I have all this previous care from good drs. Whether it be psych care or my back whatever. and that is it. I have no means to return to them. There is no continuity. I took for granted my ability to get good care. All these years I have been able to get that. It is gone now. As I slide into the darkness I realize the treatment options of the past are just that, a thing of the past. I could not return to the safety and quiet of the Haven. I could not return to the Columbia day program. Those are no longer on the table. I am like every other mentally ill person in this country that cannot afford good care. The options are acute short term mixed units. There is no peace and sadly for me I could not feel safe in one. I have shared my stories here in this blog. I would die before returning to one. I have no options. The only one is to suffer day after day here in my home. To wander the rooms and stare out at a world I am no longer in touch with. It is receding steadily like the surf at low tide. I am so fearful and tired. I long for my old life when it was not a problem to get care. It was not a worry to be added to the miles long list of other worries. Instead I worry what will happen. I had hoped after my dose of meloxicam last night that it might settle everything. Thankfully all of the physical symptoms have become more mild. With a few more doses I can get the blood level back where it was and my pain will be in check. Sadly my emotional state is worse today rather than better. I forced myself to run just to see if I could reconnect a little. I had a good run but it did nothing to shift the mood. I returned listless and sad. I tried to explain to my partner, but it didn’t really go anywhere. She left to go see a show and I sit her alone writing this blog. I know I just need to keep going. Put one day on top of another and eventually it will abate. It is the process that is mind numbing. Being able to stomach the sorrow and pain in each day without fleeing is the challenge I face.