She Speaks

I had just wrapped up riding the polo ponies and was hosing off Boo’s legs. I was somewhat lost in my head and didn’t even notice till she was speaking. “I need to talk to you”. uh oh. I can count on one hand the number of times I have heard that leave her mouth. My mind was suddenly racing through all the possibilities. Was it about me? the dark mood? had she read the blog? was she worrying and needed to hear from me how bad it was? I just didn’t know. I stood there in a panicked silence. As she started to talk I saw where she was going. I tend to get very anxious when she leaves to go to see shows. I react before I really understand why. I tend to get angry and I lash out at her. She hates it and has started to not tell me until the very last moment. That just amplifies the response from me and we continue along with path. The shorter the notice the more anxious and angry I get. She wanted me to know she can’t take it anymore. There she stood before me, actually expressing herself. I had no idea what to say. I just could not get the words from my brain to my lips. We walked down from the barn. I kept trying. I knew I could not walk away from this opportunity to talk with her. I forced myself to say something. We sat down in the house facing each other. No distractions. Nothing. Well until the damn cat came along. But for the most part it was just us. I told her I tried hard not to react. There are times I don’t even see it coming. I suggested a calendar on the wall filled out with all the dates. She doesn’t have to say anything just keep the calendar filled ahead of time. It is a try. I needed her to know I was trying. She had to understand that I was hearing her. The door was open. I knew I had to take it. I wanted her to hear me. I could not stop crying, so it made the speaking part a good deal harder. I told her I was exhausted. I wasn’t sure I could do it. My frustration of trying so hard in therapy and taking my meds and yet the depression still returns. I must have been a pitiful sight. It did not matter what I said she sat across the table and said little. “I know, it always coming back and you get through”. That did little for me. I felt she was being dismissive of the degree of despair I was settling in. She stood up and went to the laundry. I just lost it. She returned. Still sitting and watching me. I couldn’t stand it. I told her to just go. To do what she wanted. She got angry. “That’s what I am talking about. You just get mad and tell me to do whatever”. I was speechless. I didn’t mean it like that. I found the words amidst my tears and told her that. I was letting her go, that was all. I just meant she was tired of sitting with me crying. I couldn’t keep myself together and I stood and walked into the dark living room. I sat and tried to keep myself together. She came after me. Angry with my abrupt departure. I told her I could not stand it. I was trying. I could not find the words to tell her I needed her. It was there on my tongue, but it could not compete with the tears. She stood over me in the dark. I knew I had to tell her what I needed. It was emperitive in my mind. I found a way. I reached out a hand. just a finger really. She grasped it. Amidst the tears I found the words to tell her how badly I needed her to reassure me it would be ok. I needed her now more than ever. She grasped my finger hard and told me of course, we always get through it. It was enough. She gently pulled me to my feet and pulled me into her arms. I fiercely held on between sobs. I told her I loved her. I held on for all I was worth. “I love you”. In that moment I felt complete. The terrible loneliness abated for the first time in so long. God I needed that. With all my being I needed that. The darkness that held me in a vice just moment earlier retreated enough for me to hear her and desperately tell her what I needed to survive. I cannot survive this without her support. I need to know that she is there.

I can only hope it is a turning point for us and that we will communicate a little more. I hope she heard me. I know I heard her. We love each other beyond measure yet we have the hardest time telling each other that. Our communication has broken down so far over the years. When did we stop holding each other? When did we stop saying I love you? So hard to say where it all broke down. I know she is as exhausted as I am. Each time the floor falls out we both are left scrambling for something to hold onto. Sadly we stopped holding on to one another. Instead we pull away and grow silent in our desperation and fear. I am as terrified as she is yet we do not go to each other. We need to find a way back to one another. it is so critical, and not just for me. God I love her. I truly do…

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