Frozen

I couldn’t face the crowds and traffic. I sat paralyzed with anxiety and an overwhelming feeling of utter exhaustion. I have nothing for anyone. I’ve done no holiday shopping. It is like I have been in this haze for the past month. Here it is just a day shy of Christmas and I am sitting in a parking lot completely unable to move. I just can’t seem to move. My bones feel heavy under my skin. I know what I need to do, just cannot seem to get myself to do anything. The guilt compounds the anxiety and it just freezes me further. I gave up. I hate that. I feel useless. I cannot even get myself to walk into a store. Instead I returned home and sat in the dim grey light. As my body slowly relaxed into the shape of my recliner my mind just spiraled in on itself. I was overcome by hopelessness. I am so limited. so miserable. It is beyond sad. There is so much I need to get done yet I sit still. The depression has inched its way across my being. It is surrounding me and filling me now. It isn’t something I can shrug off anymore. I cannot turn my mind and figure out another route. It is the only route now. Sadly that route is going nowhere as I am so incumbered by the heavy sadness I feel. There is nothing I want more than for this mood to shift. It seems only to grow deeper and stronger each day. I know I have to get through the coming days. The family gatherings, the questions, the noise. I cannot handle walking into a store. How can I possibly deal with a day of eating and talking? I feel tired and overwhelmed just thinking about it. I have to either lie and plaster a smile on my face and go through the motions or I have to admit all is not well and deal with the questions. I don’t even know where to begin. I do not feel like I can cope either way. I guess I will probably return to by default setting and muddle through each day. It is all I can do.

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