Walking Dunes

I find myself unsettled and anxious today. My mood is like walking the ridge of a sand dune. shifting constantly beneath my feet yet at other times my footing feels solid. Mainly it is moving quickly from one state to another. At times okay, others deeply upset and tearful. The depression does not seem to be there as it was, yet the same overwhelmed sad state surfaces daily. Sometimes is stays for a few hours, others it is brief moments that return over and over during the course of the day. I’m exhausted and unsure. I have moments of racy exuberance. When everything seems so possible and so very perfect. But it is so fleeting, like capturing a snow flake. All I’m left with when I try to focus on it is the water in my palm. I don’t really know this place. I find the rapid shifts frightening since I have no way to predict what will happen in the next hour. I am thankful I am not deeply depressed as the events of this past week were so trying. I could not imagine trying to deal with them in the state I had been in the week prior. As this day closes and the pouring rain falls in the darkness I feel the steady undercurrent of sadness and worry. I can’t help but struggle under the burden of the worry and anxiety I feel both about my father and our dog. Life feels so completely out of my control. I find myself wondering what next? what will happen now? I understand it does me no good to let my mind run in that direction. None of us know what will happen. It is the future. We don’t control it. It just is so strikingly evident since I have been blindsided twice this past week. Any faith I had in life being okay just got blown away.

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