It must have been all the talk of my nasty inner brain voice or maybe it was just a combination of the stress of the week wearing me down. I am really not sure. But as the clock wound down and session was nearly up I surprised myself. The words left my lips as they finally found a way to describe what is going on in my head. The battle of questions, words, and will. or lack there of. It is endless. Around and around it goes. All day. Everyday. In times of stress like this past week it is dizzying. I don’t know what to do. and it is made clear by these clashing inner voices.
On one side there is pure flight. Pure fear. The need to run and find a way to be free. It tells me I have to go. I can’t stay here. This farm and all it means will kill me. I will die here. It is horrifying in its power and scope. It is the dominant voice in my head whenever I am awake. I know this farm is stressful and it does indeed push me to my outer limits on many occasions. This voice is not without merit. It is not coming out of left field.
On the other is the voice that tells me I will never have another opportunity like this. It speaks of the scope and beauty of this farm. It reminds me it is home and of all the work and effort we have put in here. It is the voice that tells me I will regret a decision to leave. It tells me to leave is to give up and give in to all that ails my mind and soul. It tells me I am weak and stupid to consider moving on.
I exist in an endless struggle between these two poles. No grey. Back and forth. Around and around. hour after hour and day after day. It wears at me.
I want someone to make a decision. I don’t trust myself to make the right one. I wish my father were here to decide. I know it would be swift and unyielding. It would hurt. It always did. God I wish I didn’t have this responsibility. I just don’t know what to do. I cannot talk to my partner. It never goes anywhere. My reaching out is met with “fuck it, fine just sell the fucking thing”. That doesn’t help me. It only makes me feel worse for even considering selling. It makes me feel weak and stupid. I’m reminded that I am the one that is not right in the head. I am pessimistic and quick to give up. That maybe this would be just another example of my not being able to finish what I started. I would be making an error of epic proportion.
I just don’t know. The tears that flowed today were just a hint at the pain and confusion that lies in me. It scares me how torn I am and how divided.