Anger & Resignation

I had a brief reprieve from my ruminating yesterday. Today it has returned with a vengeance bringing along with it anxiety, frustration and anger. Not just a little anger. enough to sear the edges of my thoughts turning them nasty and dark. The irritability lacing every word that leaves my mouth. In an effort not to fight I have distanced myself from my partner and buried myself in paperwork. Sadly that is the last thing I need to do right now. The numbers swim amongst the anger. Instead of staying angry I shift toward resignation and sadness. With each bill I open and each paper I file, I am smothered by this overwhelming feeling of defeat. I am tired of the back and forth. In the moments of okay I am willing to be swept along and just ride it out. All too agreeable to looking the other way. To turn a blind eye to what is staring me in the face. I am willing to walk past the office door. All too happy to look at the papers and the bills. Donations come in and we somehow make it by. Then the mood shifts, or some crisis rises and I am thrown into the maelstrom. Though it doesn’t need to be a crisis. It can be just another office day. It is forcing myself to do what needs to get done. I sit and work. My hands shake and my mind works. I see the numbers. I see the reality. There is no denying it. I look for ways to work out the latest disaster. I have to make the choices between who gets paid and who doesn’t. I have to accept that some party will be displeased and the phone will start ringing. Back to the not opening mail and not answering the phone. Back and forth. I should probably just get the fuck over it. Stop fucking bitching and whining and acting like a pussy. I should be able to work this out. If I was just smart enough or strong enough this wouldn’t be an issue. I add the additional stress. I’m the one that cannot cope with this. I have to get my head out of my ass and solve this latest problem. So why can’t I? Why do I want to run? Every cell in my being primed and ready to hit the eject button. So strong is my desire to flee I can picture it perfectly in my mind’s eye. All the reasons to stay don’t make that final edit. It is without boundaries and without reality. there is no responsibility. No logic. Just flight. I can let my mind wander when the fear and anxiety shake me. When I have sorted one bill too many. It is pure fear. All the anxiety and the anger. All the irritability and sadness are driven by the fear. Instead of standing and meeting it with tact and bravery I run. I run in my emotional response and take it out on my partner. I run to avoid it. I am willing to sign out and take flight rather than face it. See, in the final analysis the problem isn’t this farm and the bills it is ME. I am the problem. I am the issue. I am the weakest link and ultimately will probably be the downfall of this place.

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