In the wake of my mother’s words this house did indeed become unsettled. It is as if her wish just caused it to be so. I know that isn’t the case, but it sure does feel that way. It is frustrations that have simmered slowly. Tucked away on a back burner and forgotten. With time and stress they eventually escape their containment and tumble into my life. In the past year I have tried so hard to rectify the books and keep the ship afloat. It is a thankless task that brings me such anxiety I shake while working the numbers. They terrify me. It is like looking at the map, lost in a foreign land, and being unable to read it. I work hard to control my fear and I do them anyway. The bills have always been done by her, usually online. There were years that I could not help and did nothing with the paperwork or bills. Just opening a bill was enough to reduce me to tears, or triggered so much anxiety it took days for me to recover. This past year was better. I owned it. I did the unpleasant tasks and spent hours before spreadsheets scratching my head. Lost, and befuddled. The online bills were still her domain. It started back with the health insurance going unpaid. It was a grievous error. It cost us so much. We tried to recover. There were other issues between. This past week the barn phone was shut off. I asked her. “I paid it yesterday”. Another day went by with no phone. My anger teetered at the red line. In my head it is just another example of her not doing the job. It is mixed with anxiety since the whole fire system works through the phone. I know I am well off my norm this week. I tried to handle my anger. I told her I didn’t want to fight over it. She got defensive. “So it is my fucking fault”. I am not talking about fault I told her, though the little voice in my head wanted to berate her and yell and curse. “Ok, I’ll fucking pay the bills”. this a few moment later after she lied a few times.- there was no money when the bill came in, or I was outside all morning. Why lie when you know I know the truth. “Is this too much? do you not want this?” I asked
“What the fuck are you talking about? of course I do. I’ll pay the bills right now”
I walked away. I ran. Miserable and unhappy. It did little for my head. I left for polo feeling a bit better. Polo was hard-hitting and almost verging on violent. I spent the evening playing against a guy twice my size and a much better player than me. He doesn’t mind getting hit, and he dishes about as much if not more in return. It was what I needed. I had to get some of the anger and aggression out. I drove home in an adrenaline fueled haze. My head crackling like a live wire. I felt edgy but better. That changed the moment I walked in the barn and the alarm keypad was going off. The barn phone was still off. The one fucking thing she was going to take care of. The one she promised me when I told her I didn’t want to fight. That one. All the edgy adrenaline afterburn turned to rage. I put the polo horses away and went over and over in my head what I should say, or shouldn’t say. Everything was so charged. I though about calming down. It didn’t hold. I thought about yelling. It didn’t hold either. In the end I told her to get away from me. Literally. I wasn’t sure what might happen if she started arguing. That rage was burning white hot in the adrenaline bath. I am not a violent person, but in that state of mind I really wasn’t sure I could control myself.
“You don’t want to be anywhere near me”. Said with a tone to back up anyone in their right mind.
“Why? what the fuck?”
“Walk away. NOW. I’m serious”
“What the fuck if wrong with you??”
“I am so frustrated with you I could scream. Just walk away. AWAY”
“What in fucks name is your problem?”
“Why is the phone still off????”
“They close at 7. I’ll call in the morning”
My mind was going fast. It wanted to tear into her about why she didn’t call before 7. I knew if I went down that road I was going to go after her. It wasn’t a good plan. Before I even realized it these words left my lips.
“I am about to walk out that door and not come back”. Said hard and with icy nasty intentions. It wasn’t a resigned, I give up. It was a I’m done with you and your shit. She walked away talking “yeah, you do that…”. I continued scooping grain so I could not hear what she said. I finished the night check without saying another word. Nothing.
I don’t know where this leaves us. Have I lost sight of everything? Is my thinking distorted? Could I walk away? I know with the rage and anger I feel right now I could. I honestly do not know what is keeping me here anymore. I’m ready to give up and walk away. I think I have reached my breaking point. I am looking out the window at the truck and figuring on where I should flee to. It is millimeters away. It is all-consuming in its pull. Just walk away.