After a week of interrupted and disturbed sleep my mood finally exited stage left. I knew it would though I kept counting the days and thinking I might just be okay. as the snow fell today I felt that deep anxious unrest. The true overwhelm that exists only on a spiritual level when depressed. It isn’t the normal life is too much this week kind of reaction this is much closer to thinking life’s stress is just too much all together. With each breath the battle not to panic. The endless attempt to convince myself if I can just get through today it might get better all the while my brain telling me it won’t ever get better. EVER. And so it goes. minute after minute. The anxiety started innocuously with the storm. And it gradually transitioned to fear of the indoor remaining structurally sound under this additional snow load. The more I stressed the more my partner dismissed me. I spoke to people I trusted. Contractors. People who actually understood structural soundness. They said to get the snow off. well where does one begin. This isn’t a DIY project considering the buildings roof starts 20′ from ground level. It continues at a pitch for 45′ until it reaches the peak cupolas then falling 45′ on the opposite side till it ends at the gutter 20 ‘ off the ground. Oh, and I need to add the building is 210’ long. Not a small project and not one that can be safely tackled by an individual. I started calling companies that specialize in snow removal from commercial roofs. nada, not even a call back. As night fell and the thought of that indoor looming large in my head I finally snapped. I could not tolerate my partner’s indifference. Instead of just remaining quiet like I usually would I just lost it. After a few long minutes of ranting at my quite speechless other half I walked out into the cold snow draped landscape. I looked at the truck. Should I just walk away? drive away? but I could not bring myself to do that. It was striking in that moment, the stillness. the night sky. I knew in that moment that I would not just leave her, or here. If I leave it will be forever. not just for a breather, or even a new life. I guess I am willing to sacrifice myself for this place. My brain lit up. It always does. It offers up suggestions and ways to fix this problem. But sadly I know myself too well. I know what my mind has to offer. I understand myself fairly well. It looks tempting. It seems easy. I know though that there is a greater issue here. My mind only offers up self destructive thoughts when I am depressed. I mean when I pay attention to them. I thought I had gotten away from the depression in december. I thought we had put it behind me. I was wrong. I’m staring it right in the eye again. I’m overwhelmed and sad at the thought of it. Here amidst all the problems and issues facing this farm I am yet again trying to keep my head together. Am I just part of the problem? Am I even in a place to keep this farm running? And so it goes again. around and around. The same thoughts ad nauseam. I’m even sick of myself at this point. Only thing I am more sick of is snow. I am physically worn down from these long days of clearing snow. It wears us to the bone. After 5 hours on the tractor yesterday I was fighting the urge to throw up from the awful headache. The noise and cold was impossible. I knew I had many more hours so resorted to packets of domino sugar. The headache abated amidst the sugar high. I managed. crawling off the tractor after dark. My partner wasn’t much better, actually worse. She is pretty much cripple with a back injury. Am I the only one that sees the writing on this wall?? It was fine with 4-5 employees. It worked. This does not. In no way. I guess we are just lost in the turmoil. Unable to see the reality of a life that isn’t working. Maybe it isn’t bipolar that is my problem. It is the conflict and fear of losing control and not being able to figure out a way out. Or maybe I am just exhausted. I am not sure. My brain isn’t sure either. I am just trying to put one day in front of another. Right now I can’t see beyond the next 5 minutes never mind the future. I do not want to be depressed. I don’t.
Snowfall. Life fall.