trying hard to keep some faith. Trying hard to find some hope. It isn’t happening. Today our only employee gave notice. It was just one more thing to add to the list of shit going wrong. broken tractor, truck needing major repair, massive tax amounts owed, bill collectors calling, book work needing doing. snow to our rafters and a rapidly spiraling mood state. I had made it thru the day. Managed a fast run in the pouring rain. I thought I was feeling better. I should know better by now. There is no “better”, there are just moments when I can delude myself for a period of time. If only I could be like my partner. Somehow she can keep her composure. She can continue to function while I search for the nearest escape hatch. We are so different. This evening my mind is lost in the usual panicked place. We are facing such extreme challenges at this point. Maybe Beatrice is right. I need a different escape plan one that doesn’t involve ending my life. One that doesn’t involve the doomsday prophecies my mind creates with such skill they leave my heart racing in fear. I don’t think we will survive. I don’t envision success, only failure. It makes this never-ending nightmare worse. If only I could find some glimmer of hope.