As night check drew to a close we headed down the hill amidst gale force winds and subzero temps to check the smaller barn. As usual the doors were frozen shut. This has been an ongoing problem with the severe cold. the ground heaves and all the doors on the property have been sticking. Some to the point that they are completely unmovable. The doors tonight were in that category. I’m so tired and fed up I didn’t even foresee my reaction. I was soon kicking and beating on these doors as if my life depended on it. When that didn’t work I ripped off my coat hat and gloves in time with the stream of obscenities that left my mouth. My partner just stood there staring at me. Yeah I know I was acting like a lunatic. In my defense I slept little last night and it was back to that fitful uneven dreaming sleep. I don’t know why it is back again. I just know that I’m pretty tired and my temper is rather easy to unleash. My thoughts have been dark and unrelenting. There is so little up there that is challenging this fuck it mind-set. Really nothing. I know the weather isn’t helping. All of these bitter cold days just push us, the horses and the property to the edge. We have never in all our years encountered a winter like this. We are on the last pieces of firewood to heat the house. The horses are going through hay like it is water and the taxes loom unpaid again. I guess I would have to be completely nuts to be okay under these conditions. I know that. I just wish I was a little more able to see a path going forward.

and yet another night where sleep is elusive. I’d like to write but I find I haven’t much to say. There are no words of wisdom. nothing.


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