After the meltdown at night check it seems things have gone downhill rather quickly. It may be the marrow leaching cold, or the endless snow storms. It could be so many different stresses combining together or it could just be the planets are in the wrong alignment. I don’t know. As I struggled through the barn work my mind wandered off into the darkest of places. I didn’t care enough to make an effort to shift it. Actually it was kind of comforting in a sick way. With each pitchfork of manure I sifted and with every wheelbarrow I dumped I thought about suicide. I visualized in perfect detail. They were not fleeting thoughts. These were documentaries. I’d mull each one over as it finished with pros and cons. I found something wrong with each my mind offered. After 8 hours I was numb and blank. In all the hours I never felt impulsive I just felt sad and overwhelmed. The reality of our worker leaving and the fact that we cannot do that work day in and day out. I don’t know anyone in their right mind that could do it. In this weather the simplest of tasks can become monumental. The cold robs you of energy and strength which is so important when doing the barn work. As the day came to a close my mind was too tired to even follow its earlier path. Speaking became difficult at best. I fell into bed and hoped for a better day. Honestly it was one of the worst days my head has had in a long time.


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