rock the boat Beatrice.

I know she’s frustrated. How many years can a person sit idle and listen to the same crap. over and over. an endless tide of pain and suffering that could be alleviated if only a decision was made and a direction decided upon. I understood completely. I was not bothered by her blunt dialog. I heard her words. I listened. The emotions came in a steady ebb and flow. Most of all the sadness at the realization this situation is probably fixable and has been for a long time. Yet rather than shift I remain stuck and paralyzed by my own fear. The fear of losing my partner, this farm, and letting everyone down. The worry of what will happen to all these animals. The terror that if I give this up I’ll never again have a chance at something like this. So in my fear I stand still. I let go of control and fall into the pattern of suffering silently day in and day out. I allow myself to suffer. In her words it is masochistic. it is. I chose this and in choosing it I give myself an open invite to wander the darkest corridors in my head. Is this my grand plan>? to slowly work my way into a corner I can’t get out of? to suffer enough to finally be brave enough to end it? why else would one chose to suffer? I don’t understand my choice. I know it is partially from giving the power to my partner. To worry she won’t leave this place. The fear that she will leave, abandoning me. But the reasoning is flawed. If I am only laying the foundation to end life why would any of that matter? Why would she abandoning me matter? I am the one poised to do the leaving. It has no logic at all. Maybe that is what is fundamentally flawed. I can’t think straight clearly. I chose suffering over resolution. why? Do I believe I deserve the punishment, so to speak? Do I feel so worthless at the core that it is acceptable to relinquish control and absorb the stress and uncertainty? I sat lost in my head and surrounded by stifling painful emotions yet I remained present. I didn’t flee. It didn’t matter because I had studied all we were talking about from every angle. I had been down this path in my mind. It was not new. I was a surprised that she pushed that hard and in walking away I wondered if I could put myself back together again. I found my way to the truck and let go of all the pain and worry swallowing me. It was many minutes later when I finally felt back in control enough to drive home, though in reality I’m not really sure how I got back here. I knew I had to say something to my partner since I think I prob looked like someone had died. It was a catalyst for a discussion that was many years overdue. Despite her instant defensiveness and a rough start we did have a solid discussion. Not that I know if it will get us anywhere. I do know that I said my peace. I made clear I can no longer live like this. Nothing may change, or everything will. I won’t know right away. I do know that we are in a different place than where we started the day. I guess the credit goes to Beatrice for rocking the boat hard enough to shake me out of my pain wracked stupor. It was a brave move that could have had a very different outcome. She must trust I am strong enough right now to take that push. I didn’t think I was. Guess I need to have a little more faith and stop thinking like a quitter. I’m to exhausted and sick to think about this anymore. My mind feels tired and wrung out. It has been a very long time since I have felt this degree of emotional and physical weariness. Not sure what to call it though it should have some name. for lack of another I’d say I’m well done at this point. Time to regroup, rest and climb back on the horse. but first, a long nap is much needed.

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