I’m not really sure where I’m at right now. I’m confused and sad. I guess my stretch of middle ground deceived me into believing I was getting better. I was wrong. I went from zero to 60 just a bit too quickly. If a single email can fuck up my head to this degree I am nowhere near healthy and definitely not in the realm of okay. Session just reinforced that. I sat listening to a voice I know so well and wondered how could I have doubted her so greatly? How could a paragraph from a stranger unhinge me to that degree. I feel like an idiot and am lost in self-doubt now. Couple that with the hopelessness I feel about the meds and it is mind numbing. I have returned home trying to hold myself together. There is no distracting or hiding from this pain. I can only hold still and let it go in the hopes it eases up. I don’t understand myself, even after years of working at it. I don’t feel any better in the moments like this. I feel just as lost and hurt as I did when I started this journey. I wish I could feel hopeful as Virgil about the depakote. I don’t. I feel worn to the bone. This just one more in an endless stream of I think this will helps. I think this is going to make it better. I can’t even stomach writing it, let alone believing it. I feel like I have sold out and given up. I may once have been feisty and difficult. Not sure where she went. Instead I feel shuffled and dumbed down to and endless series of yes’. It doesn’t mean they hurt any less. I have found no peace nor acceptance I guess. yet another problem I have to add to the others. I am just so fucking tired right now. I can only wait it out and pray it passes on and I can come up for air. My only solace is I know this place so well. I have spent much of my life here. If only there was some comfort in that.


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