It is a familiar feeling as my body struggles to integrate another drug. Writing and thinking feels like moving through setting concrete. The world takes on a slightly hazy distant quality as if I am viewing everything through a partially focused lens. This is no different from all the others. I am a stranger to myself. foreign and edgy in the attempts to adjust and accept a new cocktail. There is nothing to do but wait it out and try to get through the day.
I remain ambivalent in my decision to publish the Manifesto. I don’t know that it was written well enough to make myself heard or understood. I want nothing more than to give answers rather than questions. There is so much to say though I lack the ability to translate into words and even if I could I am not sure I want to disclose all that goes on up there. I did promise this blog would be me uncensored. I have held to that. I have tried hard to let go and just write. I do not pause and edit, or rework an entry. That isn’t what this blog is about. If I was looking for perfect this isn’t it. If you’re looking for clean edited readable text this isn’t that. I doubt it ever could be. Not in my hands at least. As I walked away from session yesterday trying hard not to fall apart I wondered why. Why was I in such a terrible place? Why had I left far worse than I arrived? I couldn’t come to a decision about why that was. In the hours since my mind has wandered over the dialog, or actually much closer to a monologue. I walked in thinking of all that I had to say. I never got there. Instead I listened and thought as I so often do. I traced the emotions as they tracked across my head. fighting my instinct to run. Instead I sat and watched. I listened. I heard you defend yourself. Yes, I knew nothing of your life. Probably didn’t need to. All those words sat unspoken as I retreated. I lost track of them in the sadness I felt at adding one more shitty thing to your life. I know now why I stepped back and let it go. I heard you tell me I overreacted. I knew that. I had spent the better part of a week looking at it from every angle and trying desperately to sort the pieces. I wish I could have stopped you there. Instead I let it go and it shifted to depakote. I know I hurt you with my words written here and I doubted you. I am sorry for that. I never saw my reaction coming. I didn’t understand it. It wasn’t meant to hurt you. That I know that. Think it was akin to drowning and you just got caught in the thrashing. But we never touched it. Maybe it is better to just push it aside and leave it. stop thinking and looking at it. let the waves die down and move on. I know I left that session deeply sad and lost. I felt so wrong in so many ways. But most of all I felt defeated. I still do. Nothing seems to be better, only worse. I made my life harder than it needs to be all because I just reacted, never stopped to think. I do that a lot. I think I am my own worst enemy most of the time. I was so burdened and tired yesterday as I walked away. I wish it had gone differently but it is done. I conceded and taken the drug. that’s done. the rest I guess will drift off into the background given a time and space.
I’ll stop writing now since I don’t know that I am making any sense and thinking is just too hard right now.