Mommy Dearest

well. not sure what to say. haven’t heard from mom in a while, but in the daze of sick days I just didn’t think much about it. Yesterday I tried since I was actually able to talk a little. No answer. Hmmm. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Tried again today. nothing. Figured it’s 8 pm. I know exactly where she is I’ll call again. Figured I’d let her know what’s going on. I know my partner would not have talked to her, or answered the phone given how strained their relationship has become over my brother. The line picked up. silence. wow. that’s chilly.
hello? mom?
….
mom?
….
hey?
“I am seething”. said in a pretty wicked whisper. I’m thinking as hard and as fast as I can. What the fuck is she pissed about? I’m a little hazy maybe I forgot something? was I supposed to take her somewhere? go somewhere?
“what is the matter?”
“You. I ask one thing of you. one thing and you can’t manage that. I do anything for you. I’ve done anything for you. but you can’t do a single thing for ME? I’m thinking pretty hard now. nothing is coming to mind and my heart beat in my chest is more than distracting. a cold sweat is now running down my back.
“Mom, what are you talking about?”
“I asked you to help move furniture out of the apartment. you couldn’t be bothered to even help or call. nothing. is it so hard to do the one thing I ask you for?

It is now my turn to return a little icy silence since I am honestly lost for words. Here I’m calling to tell my mother I’m sick and this was out of left field. I wasn’t prepared in the least and to be honest I am just a little pissed now at the tone and the implication that I do nothing for her.

“Just stop a second. You can be fucking pissed at me all you want when I am done but I need to explain myself”
“yeah, you just DO that.
“I’ve been sick. starting with getting scoped and getting worse all week, urgent care and then hospital on sunday, and dr again today. and no they don’t really know what is wrong aside from a bacterial and now fungal infection. I have spent my time other than at those places in bed. I really fucking sorry I let you down. I truly am, it was not my plan.”
“Why did I not hear about this?” (now I truly wanted to say because you have alienated my partner to such a degree that she won’t even call you if she takes me to the hospital- sad I know). I didn’t.
“I did not want to worry you, and I did not want you getting whatever it is.”

Well it didn’t get much better. She is clearly beyond angry with me. It is rare, extremely rare that she would unleash any of that. She often says she won’t because she worries abt my fragile state of mind. Doesn’t much matter now. I can’t believe the degree of hostility and the tone of her voice. I’m not sure I will ever forget it. I am just left shaking my head. I guess I screwed up again. and yeah I should have picked up the phone, but I don’t. It is like we have retreated back behind this gate and into these ramparts. My family is getting farther and father away. It is so fucking sad and I don’t understand it. I don’t know why it has to be so complicated. I can’t choose between my mother and my partner. I don’t want to make that choice and so I just retreat. The less contact the less likelihood of an issue. Sad thing is in the pursuit of not rocking the boat I’m the one left alone in it. I love both her and my partner. I do. I don’t want either of them angry or unhappy. Doesn’t work in the end. There is always someone angry. and there is always me standing in the middle not sure which way to go.

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