When I clicked my computer key and launched an update on my Facebook yesterday I could not have imagined the response I received. It was a huge step sharing this blog with the world. Not just here in anonymity, but with my name attached and in complete cognizance that this might have a huge impact on my life. I have many friends and family on FB. This was, in a key stroke, sharing a deeply personal and private side of my life. I have come here to WordPress almost everyday for more almost two years. I have wandered my mind and wrestled for answers. I have processed my journey in therapy and I have struggled deeply with mood instability at times. This has been my place to put all of that. Many times I thought to myself why keep this secret? I have made such an effort to unscramble my thoughts and to make sense of a life that often times make no sense at all. This is my home. As the clock ticked down on this next anniversary I felt compelled to share. I needed to show where I have spent my days and nights deep in thought. I wasn’t sure how best to share it and ultimately I’d say FB is as good a place as any. In the hours that followed that status update my fear and anxiety swiftly out paced my enthusiasm to unburden my soul. Had I made the worst mistake? did I really want the world to read this the most personal of blogs? It fed on itself and I launched myself out the door in my sneakers in an effort to stall the fear. As I ran in the sun I let my mind conjure all the worst things that could happen. I thought about my family reading this. Though most are not on FB I do realize it can find its way back to them. I thought about how honest and brutal some of these entries are and the harm they could do if misread or taken out of context. As I continued running the fear slowly abated. Instead of the harm this blog might cause, I thought about the good it might do. If these words could resonate with another person struggling to keep their head above water it would make this journey mean all that much more. Even if I never know or never hear about it that is alright. These words are indeed mine. They have provided me with so much. I have found my way deep into places I thought unreachable. Within some of these entries I have walked back through the most harrowing and painful experiences in my life. Each entry providing me with the opportunity to revisit , explore and walk away. Sure they stick with me, just as those experiences have shaped me. What is different is that I can control this. The degree to which I venture and uncover is in my power. A far cry from the past. This blog has enabled me to heal a word at a time. Beyond that it has opened a window into my thoughts for my therapists. They can see how I process in real time. Prior to blogging they had their intuition, experience and whatever I shared in the follow up session. Now they can read and understand how each session has effected me and how I am processing each. It has shifted the course of my treatment and ultimately (to me) it seems to have drastically improved my growth and gains in therapy. It all started with my choosing to share myself here. It is a natural progression of sorts for me to go one more step and share it in a public forum.
I could not have hoped for a better response. I truly was not sure what the reaction would be. I chose the running entry as the linked post because I thought it was accessible. Even the average reader could accept it, unlike some of the darker and more rambling posts held within the 400 + that make up this blog. Those that reacted gave me positive feedback and praised my decision to share this. I know it still might go very wrong and that there are those that will not feel comfortable with what is here. That is okay too. Not everyone is open and accepting when it comes to mental illness, or abuse. I am so thankful the initial response has been so positive. I can not express my relief clearly enough nor can I say enough thanks to those that have come and read these words and shared them with others. I do not regret my decision, least not today. I wish more than anything that these words and thoughts can provide support for all the people like me out there putting one foot in front of another.