Mommy Dearest

well. not sure what to say. haven’t heard from mom in a while, but in the daze of sick days I just didn’t think much about it. Yesterday I tried since I was actually able to talk a little. No answer. Hmmm. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Tried again today. nothing. Figured it’s 8 pm. I know exactly where she is I’ll call again. Figured I’d let her know what’s going on. I know my partner would not have talked to her, or answered the phone given how strained their relationship has become over my brother. The line picked up. silence. wow. that’s chilly.
hello? mom?
….
mom?
….
hey?
“I am seething”. said in a pretty wicked whisper. I’m thinking as hard and as fast as I can. What the fuck is she pissed about? I’m a little hazy maybe I forgot something? was I supposed to take her somewhere? go somewhere?
“what is the matter?”
“You. I ask one thing of you. one thing and you can’t manage that. I do anything for you. I’ve done anything for you. but you can’t do a single thing for ME? I’m thinking pretty hard now. nothing is coming to mind and my heart beat in my chest is more than distracting. a cold sweat is now running down my back.
“Mom, what are you talking about?”
“I asked you to help move furniture out of the apartment. you couldn’t be bothered to even help or call. nothing. is it so hard to do the one thing I ask you for?

It is now my turn to return a little icy silence since I am honestly lost for words. Here I’m calling to tell my mother I’m sick and this was out of left field. I wasn’t prepared in the least and to be honest I am just a little pissed now at the tone and the implication that I do nothing for her.

“Just stop a second. You can be fucking pissed at me all you want when I am done but I need to explain myself”
“yeah, you just DO that.
“I’ve been sick. starting with getting scoped and getting worse all week, urgent care and then hospital on sunday, and dr again today. and no they don’t really know what is wrong aside from a bacterial and now fungal infection. I have spent my time other than at those places in bed. I really fucking sorry I let you down. I truly am, it was not my plan.”
“Why did I not hear about this?” (now I truly wanted to say because you have alienated my partner to such a degree that she won’t even call you if she takes me to the hospital- sad I know). I didn’t.
“I did not want to worry you, and I did not want you getting whatever it is.”

Well it didn’t get much better. She is clearly beyond angry with me. It is rare, extremely rare that she would unleash any of that. She often says she won’t because she worries abt my fragile state of mind. Doesn’t much matter now. I can’t believe the degree of hostility and the tone of her voice. I’m not sure I will ever forget it. I am just left shaking my head. I guess I screwed up again. and yeah I should have picked up the phone, but I don’t. It is like we have retreated back behind this gate and into these ramparts. My family is getting farther and father away. It is so fucking sad and I don’t understand it. I don’t know why it has to be so complicated. I can’t choose between my mother and my partner. I don’t want to make that choice and so I just retreat. The less contact the less likelihood of an issue. Sad thing is in the pursuit of not rocking the boat I’m the one left alone in it. I love both her and my partner. I do. I don’t want either of them angry or unhappy. Doesn’t work in the end. There is always someone angry. and there is always me standing in the middle not sure which way to go.

sick still- &%$@$#!@

The last five days have become a complete blur. I can’t even tell them apart since most of it has been partially asleep or awake miserable cursing the damn person that gave me this bug. The 5 hours in the hospital yesterday was spent much the same way. dozing and waking up over and over. they tried lidocaine, nope. they did IV toradol. nope. they did lots of tylenol. I was in such a haze from lack of sleep I could not even care. The fluids definitely helped perk me up. by last night it was right back to awful. in my half dazed state around three I started hunting the house for pain killers. For me that is very unusual. I don’t like pain meds and I sure don’t like mixing meds. But I was pretty desperate at that point. ok, some tylenol 3s not a big deal. but my stomach was already so sore. fuck it. what could be worse. well yeah, worse could be nauseous and heaving with no relief from the throat pain. great, just great. I spent the next four hours lying on the bathroom floor. I found really hot compresses seem to be mildly relieving and don’t involve putting anything in my stomach. but it still didn’t solve the swallowing problem. seriously what the fuck could possibly be growing in the back of my throat? an alien resident for sure. so I’ve tried hot, cold, ice cream, salt water. anything and everything. nope no dice. never dealt with anything like it. I can’t even force myself to swallow without flinching now. so I went on the hunt again. hmm. tramadol. ok, worth a shot. hell I’d take anything this afternoon. that was easier on the stomach but aside from making me nice and happy it did nothing for the throat. wtf. by dinner time I tried some soup only to have the noodles get stuck in my throat. gee fun. thankfully I am used to that from the post surgery days. normally food will just sit there. it is a weird feeling especially when it doesn’t move. well it sat there for a good while. tried water. nothing. at that point I think I exceeding my coping skills and were I able to talk I would have cursed a fucking blue streak. I can’t tell you how much I hope this is better by tomorrow. another dr appt and if it is like this I am not leaving till she figures out some relief. I can’t exactly keep losing weight, well I can but not like this. I know this is my second rant in just a few days. sorry! lack of food and sleep coupled with pain that just isn’t relieved by anything I have tried. haven’t set foot in the barn in days and of course no running. think it is a little with drawl feeling like a slug after being in bed for this many days. I can’t help but wonder, like the ER doc if that scope didn’t scrape my throat and introduced some infection. I’m pretty healthy otherwise. I get 1 cold a year maybe. and I kick it in a couple days with some fluids and rest. I don’t get sicker. It doesn’t really add up but anything is possible I guess. If it isn’t better tomorrow….here’s to hoping it is.

rant. &%#$$@$#. Meds.

i need to rant tonight. I’ve spent the day going back and forth between sleep and a strange semi wakefulness with nasty chills. Nothing earth shattering, but kinda miserable when coupled with the body aches and headache. Normally you’d reach for a cold medicine and call it a day. But I’m so fucking worried about making my stomach any worse and I live on the meloxicam most of the products like advil and the cold medicines that include it are a no go same goes for the tylenol ones. Least if I want to avoid any more stomach pain. so I held off and tried to get through the day. I have so many different medications for a variety of issues right now it makes just your average cold/ flu whatever the fuck this is not quite as bearable. I tried to eat something but that just made it worse and redoubled the nausea. ok, so no eating. That just makes you feel worse. I’ve taken to laying real still and hoping the pain in my stomach and everywhere else subsides. The clock is ticking on night time meds and I can’t even fathom putting more crap in my system. This fucking med change right now was a bad idea. I can’t tell what is GI stuff from the scoping and gastritis issues or if it is the meds aggravating an already messed up stomach. I would like to scream. Honestly. I wish I knew what was what and beyond that I’d like to just take some drugs to feel a little better. Not a choice right now. WTF. I can just hope to fall back asleep and not feel anything. but seems this fucker is just getting going. hmmm, what fucking door knob did I touch? or some fucking idiot sneezed on me. Must be the damn drug store where I spend so much time. ick.

I’d just like a little relief. that’s all. not to feel worse and definitely not to have to pick feeling miserable because I am too worried about making it worse. I don’t like feeling like I have no options. It feels awful. truly awful. and the sad thing is so many people live like this with far worse things than a cold. sad.

3AM

Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself. Walter Anderson
Saw this quote yesterday and meant to post it.

3 am. Can’t sleep. Woke up with an awful sore throat, chills and aches. WTF. I just want to get through the damn week. I know all the emotional turmoil of last week prob weakened my immune system. My neurotic no touching knobs, and public surfaces apparently failed.

Fuck. Now I’m tired and mad. Absolutely have no time for this.
Trying to get some rest and convince my mind to sleep and stop worrying. Ugh

Okay- Virgil

It has been a couple days. I’ve been meaning to write but life has been hectic. As the weekend dragged and my mood just continued to decline I realized (with a little help) that I had to go back to Virgil and get things right again. As the timing wasn’t great it took a good deal of effort on my part to get down there early and the way the day worked it would mean going to the city from session and a really fucking long day. I did it anyway. I just knew I had to. There was absolutely no way I could continue on as I was going. I can’t begin to express how glad I am I didn’t bail. No excuses. No taking the easier route (phone session). I needed, on such a deep level, to see her and connect 100%. I did not think a phone could do that. I had to make sense of all the insanity going on in my head. To figure out a way to put the breaks on. Completely. We were well past the bend and I was in such a dark place for so many days. It seems the more disconnected I get from Virgil the more aggressive the suicidal ideation becomes. This was the most I had questioned our relationship/ her, in a very long time. If not the most ever. Our session was everything I desperately needed it to be. I found a way to hear her despite being unable to just a few days prior. I asked her to lay it out. Explain it and she did. This is paraphrasing but the basic sum of it-

I have spent much of my life feeling invalidated and unheard. From the earliest beginnings of childhood on into adolescence. It only continued from there. Through trauma, and life I found myself often misunderstood and didn’t feel I had anyone on my side. From doctors, and nurses to hospitals and relationships. It was a major problem. When our paths met she tried hard to always provide me with validation. To listen to me. Through all the issues with meds, life, depression, mania and all the rest. She was a constant. Never treating me as a case. Over the years our bond has grown around that central tenet. Reading that email from the psychopharm made me feel completely invalidated. Like a case, like all the others. Just a number. But what made it infinitely worse is that the invalidation came from someone I never expected it from. From a person I trusted completely to have my back and to hear me no matter what. When it dawned on me that she had harmed me it rocked my world. Seriously. Like to the foundation. and the after effects continued as I reeled from that. I couldn’t find my footing and just spun because my foundations had taken a hit. Without that connection to her and doubting the relationship only served to make it worse. I found myself in a very vulnerable and out of control place.

I understand now. I get it. I also know she didn’t mean to hurt me. I heard her words and felt the doubts start to head for the door. As quickly as they had dug in and found a spot to set up shop they packed up. Unreal. The rapidity of the shifts is amazing to me. Truly. But more remarkable is the sense of wholeness I regained when I was able to reconnect. It was as if a hollow vast chasm was suddenly filled. I no longer felt that awful dark edginess. I didn’t feel like I had to end my life. I no longer envisioned it. I felt okay. I mean really okay. Not great. There was still an infinite sadness that is often a companion. I still felt unsettled and overwhelmed but I felt like I could pull myself through another day/ week/ month because I had her next to me. I still have such doubts, not about her, but about myself. In my ability to survive. I meant every word of that Manifesto. It was my pure streamed thoughts poured out of my head and my heart. This incident only reinforces my fear that I am not savable. or salvageable. I, in the blink of an eye, wrote off a relationship and bond of 20 years. What is wrong with me? How tragic and sad. If that is possible I have no faith in my ability over the long-term. I struggle to see a future. Any future. I see another 20 years of a bazillion drugs and all the issues that go with them. It just doesn’t add up. I’m sorry. I know. I know. You all probably what to hit me over the head with a brick just so I’ll shut up. I wish I had more faith. and in addition to faith the ability to hold trust in myself and those around me to see it through.