Life continues much the same as it has for months yet somehow my brain sees it and reacts to it differently. gone is the ability to shuffle along and pretend nothing is wrong. I have lost that bright clear vision I had a few weeks back. the one that comes with a side order of optimism, even if it is just a child size portion. what I am left with now is an unsettled certainty that I am speeding toward disaster. Everything around me is moving toward this end. I sense the impending doom and my anxiety grates hard and constant in my temples. Transfixed I stand stock still watching unable and or unwilling to find another course. I accept. Why I do I have no earthly idea. It has been, forever, okay to lose- to fail, to give up. To walk away and chose not to fight. When did that become normal? It doesn’t much matter as I do not feel like this is salvageable anymore. I don’t feel alright. Nothing about my life and my head is remotely alright. Today I teetered on the edge of meltdown. Into anger. into sadness. into despair. I fought to keep myself removed and not fall into any of them. But I could not disconnect. Instead I am in this unsteady charged state. Waiting for the slightest shift to topple me. I am not even close to coping- anything additional would be too much.
I do not know why I have fallen so deeply into this place of questions and dread. I am not even sure what this place is. It isn’t just depression. This is an anxious irritable angry place. I fight hard to keep from lashing out (though fail repeatedly). The simplest of issues become white-hot with rage. The traffic. the 700th time the fucking post woman leaves a slip in the mailbox instead of the package behind the gate. the diesel can tipping over an spilling all over the bed of the truck. Rather that remain small stupid shit they ramp up into all the other chaos that lives in my head right now. Foreclosure=diesel spilling. Not even close in reality yet they fight neck and neck in terms of emotional response within my skull. How is that even remotely okay. The instant exaggerated response to everything tries my ability to remain in control. When I lash out I just feel worse about myself. I don’t feel a decrease in anger. If anything I feel the desire to push that point. Stand out there on the edge and let rage stay for a while. Let everyone and anything in my path feel the sheer scope and severity of the problem.
I feel manipulated. Maybe I’m just paranoid at this point. I have no facts, yet I remain steadfast in my conviction I’m being pushed. I get lost for long stretches within these strange thoughts. I know Virgil. I know her. How cruel my mind tells me otherwise. How sad. I fight the desire to walk away. Leave all the meds behind. To rail and rage against this existence. You see it is when changes happen that the slavery becomes so evident. The power of these chemicals over my mind, thoughts, feelings, sleep and hunger. It is all-encompassing. A few days without sleep and my world shifts on its axis. No better demonstration of just how much I need them. I could not leave them behind. or could I? It would be hellish but maybe I’d survive. That isn’t reality. I would fall off the cliff and only be reminded of just how chained to this poison I really am.
I wish I knew why life had to be like this. I wish I understood what was going on within my head so that I could talk some sense into myself. Sad thing is I don’t know if there is any sense left up there.