Head Space

Wish I could say today was better. It is not. The floor has fallen away and I am clinging hard to the meager ledge I am teetering on. The irritability has transitioned into sadness. As I sat in session thinking about life and how many times I have been in this precise situation it struck me that it never becomes easier. It doesn’t lose its power or the totality of its reach. I don’t automatically sort it into the familiar pile the way you would say with a recurrent injury. after the 5th or 6th foot bruise it is pretty immediate to just shelf it in the been there/ done that category. ok, just another metatarsal bruise. Less running, more padding. Maybe a bit more time on the bike and less on the pavement. But it is an immediate reaction or shall I say non reaction. To brush it aside and move on. To be annoyed at the restriction and sure the pain, but to still keep it very clearly in perspective. This head space isn’t like that. Even if I tell myself You are Depressed. Yep, not exactly breaking news. Even if I tell myself You Have Been Here Before it doesn’t lessen it. The fear and the pain remain unchanged. The wearing away of my ability to cope continues unabated. In this searing silent place I lose the ability to look forward. I see no possibilities, no progress. It is as if time has been paused here in terms of emotional experience and pain yet the world continues on at break neck speed. The chasm between the two extraordinary. So vast and so broad I cannot see across. I see only the distance from everyone and everything around me. I feel the pale grey isolation. Touch the sandpaper rasp of disillusion and fear. Taste the bile sour regret at once again finding myself trapped in this awful place. It is at once alien and familiar. It holds me here as I force myself to hope tomorrow is better though utterly convinced there is no tomorrow to hope for.

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