Fear —>terror

(unedited) Trying to make sense of what is going on. It is like everything is happening all around me and I can’t seem to grasp them. The anxiety is stifling. The fear is so palpable all around me. I’m scared. I would be lying, or just plain gorked if I were to say otherwise. I can’t really say why my fear is quite this great. I know I have been on the receiving end of some bad medicine. Really bad medicine. I keep trying to convince myself I’m ok and that I can do this. It loses out each time to this cold sweat and racing heart. It takes everything from me each time I walk back in those doors. In those long hours in admitting answering the same questions over again. To feel the light seep away as the reality of this life takes hold. That buzz of the doors controlling movement and the steady gaze from the security guy. It is in the gaps between the second hand moving and the soft tapping of key strokes in the office nearby. It is insignificant and enormous. It is hell and it is salvation. A hospital has been all of that. It has brought me back from the brink though it has also pushed me far out onto the edge. I wish I could say I felt safe in the hospital. I don’t. They are not safe places. Sadly it isn’t just the patients you need to fear.

Sure nobody wants to think about it or talk about it. But most of all it is the powerlessness. The meds of their choice, the treatments of their choosing. Most would argue well why can’t you refuse. What you learn the first go round, or maybe the second is that there is a purpose in the design. There is a method to everything. They will get you to comply. whether you want to or not. It is easier to go along than try to fight the flow.

The scary thing is I have no idea what is next. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what type of population I am going into and I don’t know what kind of dr I am dealing with. I have the pile of unknowns. with some pretty awful experiences in the past. Most people would think one of those variables most important. not so. You can have a terrible dr and have a decent inpatient experience if the population is a good one. Just as a great dr can’t do much is the population is swinging from the rafters. Hospitals can destabilize just as fast as they can stabilize. It is a crap shoot. As always I know to keep my head down and get a feel. Find a safe spot and never get caught alone. ever. vigilance is necessary. always. the more volatile the people the more critical. the worse the staff, double it. and male patients just multiply that. It is a terrible feeling.

I’ve come across the dismissive dr who sell quality of life (any quality of life) down the road just to get the specific drug combo. I’ve had them blindly look beyond horrible side effects refusing to admit they might be the drugs they want me on. I am after all just a crazy person, what could I possibly know about anything. you don’t argue with those drs. you get nowhere. I know once you walk in and sign those papers you are at their mercy. there is no point advocating for yourself, or talking about concerns. that just gives you a resistant label. To have fears like everyone else is not okay anymore. just swallow it. take it. doesn’t matter. none of it matters. I don’t matter. You move so far from human. Why am I scared? why does it hurt? it hurts because this system has harmed me. I am this way for a reason.

I am being asked to blindly walk into this. To relinquish control to a stranger. and what pray I don’t get harmed? don’t get fucked over? how many times have the meds actually stayed the same beyond the hospital? not for the long term. doesn’t happen. Because the dosage is usually brutal. barbaric. the side effects awful. but they got you “stable” and out the door you go. back to life.

I will walk out of my life. put it on hold for an unspecified amount of time. there is no way to know how long you are gone till you go and come back. there is no sure thing. there is no way to know. they have you. usually the insurance gets you sprung before they are done with you. but back to life on hold. to find stability? what stability? like the stability I was going to get on lithium? or any of the 30+ others? how is this time any different? how can I have faith when all I have is fear? how can I trust when I see no evidence? I want no part in this. I know my fear is paralyzing me. I know I am way out on the edge of hysteria and I think I have good reason. Fear is a brutal bed fellow. and I have another day of this, at least. Or I can walk away. Refuse. Stand my ground. Can it get worse? unheard and trapped in a hospital is worse.

sorry. I am just so afraid and frustrated.

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