Words have left me almost completely as this day draws to a close. I feel myself closing in tight desperate to protect myself. I wish I knew where the angry defiant Beth was. She’s not here. There isn’t much self at all. I am nothing. just a shell. I have to give in and give up. To leave what pride and identity I have left and leave it behind. To accept I have no control nor choice. My fears have no merit nor worth. check them at the door. nod. agree. swallow it. and the clock ticks and the hours drag. life suspended. interrupted. on hold. to become nothing. nobody.
is that better? is that worth it? to repeat the process again? and again. and again. who is left here now? where is Beth or the better question who is she? is she the angry youngster that started this journey 20 years ago. the one quick to tell people to go the fuck away or what has become of me now? this mind bent and shifted thru countless chemical baths and electricity. I am not me anymore. I lost her a ways back.
I know my fear and vulnerability is from my experiences behind those doors. I did not start like this. I became this. I am this. small. scared and alone. not because I have bipolar, or because my mood is in a dark place. I am scared because I learned those that heal harm. Those locks to keep you safe don’t save you from predators within.
I am lost. I am confused. I don’t know who to trust. I am exhausted from the anxiety that has held so tight all weekend. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I find no words. not to my partner or my family. I pull back and try and hold off the panic. but it is so fucking strong. Where is the obnoxious been there done that detached person I can be? So confident and cocky? seen it a million times? fuck it. have at it? Where is she? where is the disconnect button? My model has that feature. I KNOW it does. Used it forever. It is malfunctioning. has been all weekend. I can’t get away from this and I can’t hide. I don’t understand, why must I suffer like this? to be so alone and small?
I wish I knew. I wish I could have faith. I have none. wish I could trust. i don’t. I am caught in a maze not of my design. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want it. this toxic haze of emotion and meds. I do not want this. I want to be told it will be okay. I need some reassurance some help. some guidance. some nurture. because I feel nothing here. nothing. but maybe nothing is what it is supposed to be.