Feeding the Beast

I can’t seem to control myself at all. I have eaten endlessly since my return home. With each pound gained my fear soars but that doesn’t stop me. If anything I eat more. I run knowing I can’t do enough miles to counter balance it. My legs would never survive. I keep eating. and eating. The scale continues to climb. I pull on my running clothes in disgust. Wanting not to see what is happening to me. It is my fault. I am the one eating anything and everything I can find. I am the one that can’t control the binge. My mind does the math and I recoil in terror at where this is going. I can’t do this. I can’t. I have never been this hungry in my life. I give in to it and eat to escape that hollow pit in my gut. It doesn’t last. and the cycle repeats. Nights are the worst. When the seroquel munchies come along. Last night it was an entire container of hummus. the pitas. the bagel chips. the cheese. I went to bed in tears. I have never had an entire container of hummus in my life. I felt disgusting and filthy. putrid weak disgusting thing. I had run yesterday. I had not run enough. By the time all the meals and the binge were added up I would have needed to run an ultra marathon to even come close. Each day has repeated. I stood in the hallway crying looking at my disappearing abs while my partner tried to comfort me. It is from the hospital, “you just need to go back to your routine. run more. bike more”. I felt no comfort as the weight has climbed since the beginning. I thought I would be okay. I had fought off the seroquel weight gain. I had been able to be in the minority that held steady. I am losing this battle and it is just begun. I know the sedentary week off didn’t help. I know. It has put me behind. just as I was already behind. I have to do something. I can’t do this. I can’t. I worked so hard for so long to get to where I was at and it is slipping away far too quickly. Flying fast away from my control. It leaves me sick with worry though all I can think about is my next meal. To feed this beast. This stranger in my body that never is satiated.

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2 thoughts on “Feeding the Beast

  1. It’s only a body. Your mind and your heart are what’s important now. You can take the weight off later or maybe find acceptance in that there is just more of you to love. I’m sure the words sound hollow right now. All I can say is what I tell myself whenever I start to criticize my body. “I’d rather be thick and happy then thin and suicidal”. Hang in there. The people that love you will love u no matter what size you are

    • I know. wish my head knew it. but body image issues run rampant in my head and the anxiety is crippling. I don’t know what the right answer is, or if there even is one. I know it is distorted by my mind. but that is to sort out in treatment.

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