Bloat. Hate. Anger. Fear.

(unedited) My discontent and anxiety continues. It has been much the same since I returned home. sure I am happier than being on that unit. Anything is better than that. but I remain restless and out of sorts. Miserable in mind and body. I don’t feel like myself. The tools I usually use to get by are failing me right now. Last night I ran on weary sore legs and though to myself. Who is this? why does everything feel so abnormal? I stopped using the ear plugs once home but still find myself overwhelmed by noise. On the bike it was car traffic. In the house it is the TV, or my partner’s voice. It is registering as to harsh, too loud. I isolate and find quiet when I can. I try to just ignore it though that often proves impossible. I don’t understand any of this. but most of all I remain in this frenzied terrified state over watching my body change. and why it only seems to bother me. Though according to the scale a lot of this is water. doesn’t make me feel better. I usually run right around 51% water. That has been closer to 55% over the past week. Doesn’t seem like much but I feel like a water buffalo and honestly I can’t remember ever having my midsection look like this. I have always been much like my mom and we are both deceptive when looked at. We can appear quite thin though in reality are carry a decent amount of weight on us. We won’t get an ass. or thighs. So where I am gaining isn’t the issue but more the fact that it is so quick and I was pretty okay with my weight before. The anxiety over it is so great at this point that I can’t even bring myself to talk about it. My partner says talk to Virgil about stopping the drug. I went through that fucking hell ride to get on it. To back up now it feels like a waste. Though I don’t know that I can tolerate how I feel at this point. I don’t remember ever feeling this out of sorts over it. I know when I was on the Saphris my weight maxed out in the high 130s and I was really unhappy. It came back down after we stopped the med and I started exercising religiously. All I can think of is what happens if I can’t exercise or run? As I ran in the late evening yesterday and my shins kept sending mixed messages (ok, nope) I was scared. I can keep pounding out the miles but they are coming at a cost now. with almost 10 lbs more on my frame I feel it. my shins hurt along with other critical parts. I can’t get any heavier than this and run like I do. It won’t work. What am I supposed to do? Do I just let it go? fuck it. all in the name of possibly being stable? This sure as fuck doesn’t feel stable. this feels like some sick fucking nightmare. To live disgusted and anxious? I just don’t fucking know what to do. Like the other aspects of my life that are question marks here is another. I don’t want to see Virgil or anyone else. I can’t listen to another person tell me I’m fine. you can stand to gain some weight. That is not okay. Never will be. Because it is only alright if I am okay with it. If my heart, soul and mind are okay with it. They are not. They are not fucking alright. I am angry and frustrated. I am miserable. But who cares right? long as I am stable.

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