Me??

Life continues. I continue as someone I don’t really know. Out of sorts. Not sure if I’m here or what. Just not engaged in anything. Like there has been some shift on a deep level. I sit here wondering what I should do. Both on the large “life” scale and on the mundane daily decision making scale. Do I go run? ride? neither. I’m just not here. I asked Beatrice yesterday what she thought. “Flat”. yeah that seems a good descriptive term for it. Life without the pull to do anything. Even react. It isn’t the disconnect that happens when I am depressed but it sure isn’t my normal. I don’t know what this place is. My world centers around food. I continue my battle to not let the depakote win. I log every oz. and every calorie. I know what I have eaten and how much. I used to enjoy eating. now I dread it. Food has become toxic. In this place I am lost. My routine of running has shifted into a daily one without rest days. I get no pleasure from it. I drag myself out the door and log the couple miles I need. All the while my head berating me for not running farther. Knowing the late evening binge is coming. I guess I’m just weak. The pull brutal. and I give in. Often awake in the early morning hours regretting what I just did. Demolishing a day’s work. Losing. I wish I could say this was going well. It isn’t. I’m just not alright here. I feel like I lost me.

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