Sleepless again

(unedited. sleep deprived ramblings)

Well seems sleep is still quite elusive. The minutes tick off and I think about all I need to get done tomorrow. My brain just won’t settle. It scans rapidly through the problems stacked in my head. All the work undone. The looming unanswered questions. but most of all feeling the aftermath of session with Virgil. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not even sure if it is fixable. Is this where we are supposed to part ways? Have I done something wrong to taint what we once had? I just don’t know. I’m restless and anxious in the wake. I struggle within the strong rip tide currents of my desire to be free and not be controlled yet fall beneath the surface to the guilt of failing and letting her down. Neither seems healthy. Not does either feel remotely safe or comfortable. I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop screwing up and letting everyone down. I want to live my life on my own terms. I cannot be scared into making choices. I cannot be forced. That is no life worth living. That is slavery. I don’t want to suffer. Whether it is under the staggering weight of depression or this a life spinning out of my control. Nothing is comfortable. I spent my day wandering. I could not focus nor could I commit to anything. Nothing got done. It was pointless. I was lost in my head without knowing which way to go or how to make it any better. I tried polo, but it left me feeling even more empty and lost. How is it that everything seems to be coming apart at the seams? What happened to the life I had cobbled together? What the FUCK is happening to me?

Virgil says I am angry with her. But I don’t understand it. and I don’t know what was the destabilizing domino that started this. I don’t think the depakote is allowing me to process anything. It is allowing me to be manipulated. My mind easier to pick apart. My guard is gone and I cannot protect myself. I’m left with all these scattered pieces and no reference to where they are supposed to go. I’m lost and scared. What if the person trying to save me is ultimately breaking me? I can’t see clearly now. I am broken. what if this has changed me for good? What if I can never go back to who I was before? I needed those defenses. they were mine. Am I lost for good?

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