I think there comes a point when even with the clearest thought and most superior intellect you just cannot see a solution. The waters are muddied with multitudes of complex problems and issues. Combined they are crippling. No drug or therapy session can deflect the degree to which this type of situation destroys you. I can list problems by the dozens and stressors by the handful. I know I have to do something. standing still isn’t the answer. I am overwhelmed and pushed far out on the edge.
I lived my life without a road map. I was directed or ordered, depending on the situation. I didn’t know the plan, often wasn’t even in the loop. My father held the reins and life went along. I got what I wanted. I was spoiled and indulged. The price for that was to do as I was told. What was never gained was the insight into why he made the decisions he did. What made them sound or unsound? Risky or prudent? How did this brilliant man arrive at the direction he ultimately went? From the outside looking in I saw none. It seemed impulsive and driven. At times reckless. Somehow he always came out ahead. I thought reckless and impulsive was okay. I didn’t see hours of careful prep and thought. I didn’t see the chess board in front of him. I couldn’t because I was one of the pawns. I went where I was told. When crisis arose he fixed it. When I fucked up he fixed it. When I fell apart he found a way to put it back together. Until we came up here. Life became figure it out. I struggled. and struggled. I made mistakes. I failed to do my job well. I got lost in the immense responsibility of this place. It overtook me. Each time he would figure it out. HE, not me. Always HE. It is different now. There is no he. There is no safety net. I’m out here alone trying to figure it out and failing mightily. I know that. It is so clear to me.
I understand I must make a decision and that standing still is only digging us deeper into this hole. I just don’t trust myself to make the correct decision. I hold tight expecting him to magically reappear as his old self and take the reins. To make a decision, even if it is crushing to us. As we have struggled here and tried to find people to help each time we end up worse off. Make poor choices. Trust the wrong people. I know I need a lawyer. More than one. I don’t trust anyone and even if I did how am I going to pay them? The issues are so complex with the corporation and the financial issues. From the IRS to the civil trial. Each layer woven into the next. There is nothing simple or immediate. I am not making excuses for my lack of action. I am just adding up all the issues.
I’m neck deep here and need some help. Sadly that isn’t the only problem. When you add in the instability and questions about the relationship with my partner, fixing the mess with the sanctuary after poor book work by someone we trusted, my father moving to god knows where, the disaster with Virgil and the day to day struggle with the depakote it is just…I don’t even have words.
I am not even sure much of it is fixable. or if I want to fix it. I just don’t know.