I think I need to follow up that last raging blog post with a more centered one. Though in my haste to return to center I don’t want to invalidate those feelings. I think I have a right to be angry and frustrated. Sad and hopeless. I can be all of that. I can hate that she put me in that hospital and that it was a nightmare experience. It is okay. I don’t have to relinquish possession of those thoughts and feelings. What I do need to find is a way to trust her again. Trust like I once did. I don’t know what it was about this last experience that made it so powerful and so able to influence me away from a 20 year long track record. How it created this fear. I know it was different on a lot of levels. But i think the main one was it just triggered off all those feelings of powerlessness and depersonalization that my Ithaca hospital experience showed me. My first step in the door so to speak. The startling reality that they could tie you down and inject you with drugs and there wasn’t anything you could do. The comprehension that the door was locked until someone decided you could leave. To be stripped so thoroughly of your humanity is excruciating. It is an experience few have ever had and impossibly hard to put words on. This past hospital visit stirred much of that.
In order to work with Virgil I had to trust her. I had to see her not as one of those doctors that held the keys but as someone what held a road map. She was not my captor, she was my guide out of that world. I believe she has been that. How then can this experience change my view? How can it cause me such doubt? I believe there is so much tied up in this. There is so much history. So much attachment. I think we are indeed in some powerful vortex of transference. I am seeing her as a parent, not as my longtime guide/ doctor. As a parent that abandoned me when I needed her most. Left me scared and alone in that hospital. As the weeks have passed and the vortex continues more issues arise and more problems occur. We are in a negative place. I am in an awful place. I am realizing now how dependent I have been upon her constant presence in my life. In a very specific way. Without that I am left very much adrift and lost. I start questioning everything. Doubt becomes the norm. I am not sure if our relationship is repairable. Not because of her, but because of the degree to which my trust has flagged. The very core where I hold my deepest of feelings and fears has shifted somehow. I want nothing more than to be back where we were 6 months ago but as each week passes we move farther and farther from it. I try to put myself back together and pretend none of it happened. but I look in the mirror and realize yes, this is happening.
The sad thing is, to compound matters, I hate myself for even thinking and feeling like this. Disgusted that I could doubt someone what has been by my side all these years. Someone who has consistently proven she wanted nothing but the best for me. and maybe there is the rub. Maybe it is because it was her, the last person in the world I expected it from. I cannot find the center. I move between guilt and rage. Back and forth. Confused and overwhelmed never finding anything in between to hold onto.
When she said to me all I had to do was chose not to be suicidal and I would control all of the actions that scared me most (hospitals/2Pcs) I think it just pushed me even farther away. Initially I was angry and felt frustration. I realize now it wasn’t so much that but I felt like I had let them down. I had spent 20 years trying so hard to be “good” so nobody would leave me. To behave. To be a good patient. To be told I was failing scared me. Convinced me it was my doing. Everything had been my fault, including this last nightmare. I know so much of this is buried from years long ago and this last quake and all the after shocks just keeps churning it. We are in this vortex for a reason. All of these fears and immense amounts of untapped anger have been unresolved. Untouchable really for all of my life. I know that. We all do.
I am just so scared that I can’t find my way back. That I won’t be able to stop seeing her as the unreliable impulsive abandoning borderline mother. That somehow the glasses got broken this time around and that core shift in me won’t be easily repaired. That I will keep seeing only the distorted view and not the one that if realistic.
Is this where the relationship ends? is it the point where I am supposed to move on? I wish I knew. I think we need therapy.