Pavement

I found myself edging quickly toward a meltdown today. The fucking computer was not cooperating as usual. Having to run QuickBooks on a PC is a nightmare. I am already struggling to keep up and get the work done. It takes me so long to find my train of thought and follow the numbers. The task seems enormous most days. Combining that with a call that the polo horse that was supposed to be donated is not coming in and I was teetering on the edge. Amazing how quickly and easily I shift into and out of these states. Nothing seems solid beneath me anymore. I may get a day, or two but the dread and the darkness always come back. They linger just out of view until some seemingly small incident combines with all the other huge stuff and it gets bad fast. I looked around the quiet house. I could have sat there. I could have crawled back into bed. both clear options in my mind. Instead I pulled on the sneakers and out the door I went. As each mile clicked off on my GPS I felt just a little more okay. Probably went too far, too fast. It didn’t much matter since I needed to put distance between myself and the farm as possible. I seem to only find peace and solace alone these days. In the pounding and the hurt of the pavement.

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