Carved and Brittle

(Unedited-unread) Been struggling with trying to put words on the issues right now. Sessions have come back toward the center. Our normal. The place Beatrice and I work best from and that is nothing but good. so why don’t I feel any more confident? The sessions with Virgil destabilized and I don’t know that I have even yet to find my footing. That isn’t a judgement just a reality. For me her couch was home for nearly 20 years. It took a good many tries to finally move beyond that relationship and allow therapy to happen with Beatrice (in a meaningful way). There were many stops and starts. Back and forth. Much stress and insecurity. I settled into work with Beatrice and in this return over the past few years it has been on a deeper and more important level. The work critical to my survival and happiness. There are still things I leave off limits. I spend so much time thinking and wondering about my relationship, I tend not to want to bring it into session. It is hard to talk about especially when I know I can’t come home and have a heart to heart about it. Session is often left there in the office, or closed off in my head. I leave it on the pavement when I run and on the ball when I swing a mallet. It doesn’t come into my relationship in a way that makes sense. I sure wish it could, though it has never been like that and I doubt it will change now. Beatrice understands the hesitation. We work around it. I draw the line in the sand some days while others I let it go. I found I could not put myself back together again when we really dug in. I came home frustrated and angry. Tensions ran high on those days. I hated it. So I said no. and left it be. I hated leaving it alone and not talking about how frustrating it is for me here. How hard it is to live in such a way. To love someone so much but not be able to communicate to them or actually have them be unable to communicate it to you. To suffocate under the stress of financial disaster, both treading water but not supporting each other. It is quiet and superficial. I don’t know what goes on with her and I’m sure she can say the same about me. Though I tend to get angry and frustrated in such a visible and tangible way it is kind of unmistakable. We exist together yet so apart. Her world is in her music and twitter friends. I know little of it and she never speaks about it. I go to therapy and come home. I run. and I write. Part of the year I play polo. That is our lives. There is nothing special about them.
Virgil pushed where Beatrice would not have tread. It is one of the things that is born of our long history together. She understands the subtle nuances and understands me. They were questions that needed to be asked. Though I never wanted to hear them. I don’t know where my relationship with my partner is going. I truly don’t. I love her just as I did when we met more than 15 years ago. So much has changed though. I have changed. She has changed. This life especially now under these conditions has shifted both of us in a direction I can only shake my head in disbelief. Anger and hardness shapes our existence. To snipe and argue is daily ritual. To go without is rare. Is it the financial stress? the responsibility? is it us? All combine to make this mess. It is easy to just say enough and run. There is no warmth, no kindness and nurture. What kind of life is that? What kind of relationship is that? If we love each other why do we behave as we do? I do not have answers. I only wish it were different. That we were more like who we once were before life carved us to the bone and left us brittle and tired. Before loss and heartache demolished our naiveté. Before experience taught us that is people could screw you or fuck you they would and that most that came into your life would cause stress and issues not help. We learned on the fly and both of us stand here now near unrecognizable from the people we were when we started. Is it any wonder we can’t get along? Life has extinguished much of the wonderful parts of us. Maybe they can be re-lit though I doubt it will happen here under these conditions. I shudder to think what life will be like in 5 years. I am working to grow and heal and complete myself as a human. I work each week trying to figure out why my mind behaves as it does and why I feel the way I do. Each week I step further along a path that started 20 years ago. This path doesn’t seem consistent with the existence I am living. they are in conflict with each other. Is this what drives the anger and rage that simmer endlessly beneath the surface? Is this the well from which the frustration flows? The disheartened and burnt out me? I fail to bridge the two often and is leaves me adrift and untethered. That is often these days. Maybe it is time I start deciding what is best for me. To choose a path with determination and direction not one of ambivalence and fatigue.

I know my life is changing. I am starting to see the path just not where it is going. It will continue along until I find it. I know I need to because anger and rage are not good for me and ultimately will destroy what is left of this life and my relationship. Now is the time to start exploring the future while remaining committed to this existence. There is no magic carpet out of here (nor should there be). I don’t want to be without her. I am just not sure I can create a life that is livable with her still in it. I think it can be done. I think.