These past few weeks I have been noticing the little things that seem to be lacking. It has been a while since I have had to write to earn some $. Most of the time I review products. Horse clothing, and such. This particular review was an advanced dvd series on the horse’s respiratory system. A couple hours worth. It was a very in depth series and was also quite technical in spots. Not a big deal. Much of what was covered was information I knew and understood well. It was however rapidly evident as I sat down to write a few days after that my recall was badly lacking. Bad enough that I just had to shake my head and wonder what the fuck. This isn’t my first brush against the limitation of my brain on drugs. I have noticed and pushed it aside. I’m not exactly an idiot so this sort of thing is quite hard for me. A day or so later a friend posted a picture on FB asking for advice. I looked at the leg and knew instantly what was the matter with the horse. I had dealt with it and treated it. Blank. My brain just wouldn’t let me find the terms. I sat there somewhat shocked since this was so easy. So fucking simple but it was all of a sudden impossible for me. I started with letters. That is the trick I used after ECT to try and figure out a person’s name. If I couldn’t remember something I ran through the alphabet hoping it might jar it loose. If that failed I would go through common names, either male or female depending on who I was looking at and was unable to remember their name. This was similar. I looked at the picture and went over the alphabet. I was so pissed. It was awful. I wanted nothing more than to help the person who was asking for help and my mind was failing me. After 10 minutes I came up with an “L” soon followed by a “Y”. after that I turned to google. I gave up the mind games. I was mad and frustrated. Just as I am easily mad and frustrated when doing the book work. It may not have been simple before but these days it is difficult and I easily lose my place. I have to constantly make sure I am following everything or I get confused and need to start over. I find myself putting off doing the work because it is so frustrating.
I never really stopped to think about the cost of taking these meds in terms of how it affects my day to day functioning. Sure I struggle with the weight issue but that is because it is absolutely impossible to ignore. Denial doesn’t work. I can’t pretend it isn’t happening because I can see it. With the gaps in memory and the dumbness I am experiencing now it is easy to make like it isn’t happening. Not like riding a horse is rocket science. It is muscle memory. It is feel and intuition. It involves no intelligence no memory. Running is the same. I can go from day to day without thinking about it until I get trapped in another moment of what the fuck. I see it in the increase of “I don’t knows” that come up in session. I see it in the moments when I pause to try and think what dose of drug I take or if I even took my dose yet. These are not the norm for me. This is the new me I guess. Pretty useless beyond the manual labor and riding. I write here but it is often of feelings and not timelines and memory. I don’t have to place anything in order. I do not need to recall anything on the spot. If I forget a word I can use google. I cannot do that when face to face with someone. At the end of the day I guess I just feel like less. Less intelligent. Less quick. Dumbed down and dull. It is like existing in a haze. I know it was worse on the higher dose though I don’t think I was able to “see” it. Now I can see and feel it and it is unpleasant. I wonder what the world sees as they interact with me? Standing before Virgil hands shaking I realized for once it may be all too apparent there is something wrong with me. Before I could plaster an okay “get by” face on and interact. People who did not know me well would not think twice. I was just one of them. Standing in front of Virgil I realized that is different now. Is this the beginning? Will the drugs slowly wash away normality leaving a twitching dumb overweight middle-aged woman too far gone to realize all she has lost? Is this to be my reality? Is this what it will mean if I want stability? Must I lose so much? What if I need to do a job other than is one? Could I even do it? Forget school. If the video was any indicator I would have a hell of a time. I think back over the doctor appointments and how many times she asks if I’m an alcoholic. Was it the shaking hands? or as I thought the abnormal bloodwork? What do other people think? Kind of shudder wondering. Most are so quick to talk and to judge. I know most people I interact with find me a bit odd that is understandable.
I don’t want to lose all the things that make me “me”. The searing quick wit. The ability to instantly problem solve and recall tough cases in the face of new challenges. Knowing I can teach myself the way if given the chance. I do not ever want to lose those traits but sadly these days I feel so darn dull. “I don’t know” has become an all too frequent phrase because I can’t track things in my mind. When some symptom started, or some dose was changed. When asked a question by Virgil or Beatrice I often feel like a sudden dust has been kicked up in my skull. I can’t quite see the answer yet know it is in the vicinity. Close enough to feel the frustration. Like when a word is right there on the tip of your tongue. But the dust doesn’t settle. It stays murky in there. Impossible to wander and seek answers. I see the moments clicking off the clock and know with each answer I am unable to give the session is wasted. Those minutes are so precious and I have lost them in the fog. This is my way of life. It wasn’t always like this. Despite my stubbornness I have started writing everything down. I have accepted I just can’t seem to follow the weeks as they disappear. I don’t like where I am. I don’t like any of this.